I knew my marriage was over long before it was. It was falling apart at the seams before we even tied the knot.
Yes I was stupid for thinking that marriage and children would stop him from wanting to hurt me.
It was not healthy and it was not a safe environment into which to raise three young children but I persevered.
Oh how I tried to change him, help him, in the end the only person that changed was me.
“Everything is falling apart” I would sit and think, with tears falling from my eyes I knew it was coming to an end.
I was young and naive when I met him, almost eleven years later I stood broken women. I was defeated.
I didn’t want to have a failed marriage or for my children to come from a broken home. I wanted the happy ever after that he had once promised me.
Yet years of abuse had taken its toll and I was fragile and damaged
I had no choice to end my marriage and some would question why I stayed as long as I did.
I wish I had the answers; it’s a question I have asked myself a hundred times or more.
I loved him as much as I feared him; I hated him as much as I thought I needed him.
I wanted my children to have the loving home with a mother and father, the one I never had.
In trying to give my children everything I thought was right, I was destroying them and me.
I gave up my marriage, my home, my friends and my career and walked away from it all.
When I left my marriage I had to take out injunctions to keep us safe. I moved out of my show room home and moved area, the children changed schools.
I closed down my business, I owned a shop, and I had staff. I had a cleaner and a childminder too.
I had it all to the outside world. We were the perfect couple with the nice big house, the designer dressed children, a business and a new car every year.
But behind closed doors I was abused.
Our marriage was a shambles.
When life looks like its falling apart, it may just be falling into place
I thought that was it for me.
I was far too damaged to ever find love again.
How would I ever trust another man?
“My life is falling apart” I cried to an online friend
“No Emma” he said “Your life is just beginning”
And he was right, it was
I was free, the children and I were damaged yet safe, and we had survived.
I was sad and lonely but I had become a survivor without even realising it.
That online friend was my best friend through that time in my life, always there to remind me of what I had, rather than what I thought I didn’t.
He would later become my husband and father to three of my children, but back then he gave me back some belief in myself.
I was becoming someone knew, I set up a new business, the children were happy and we even added to the family. We made a loving family home and life was going well, I was happy.
But then life turned upside down.
We had been together for three years when I was diagnosed with bipolar.
“My life is falling apart” I sobbed to him
“No Emma, it’s just another hurdle that we will get over” he told me.
It was like déjà vu.
He always saw the best in me, believed in me and saw something I didn’t.
When I felt like giving up he would remind me that it was the illness talking and not me.
“You’re far too strong and beautiful to do that” was his reply
And sometimes I wanted to slap him
But he was right, about the strong part at least, it’s my children who give me that strength.
I lost my mind in sense, yet the last 4 years have also given me so much. I have a greater understanding of mental health and am able to help others.
I have met so many inspiring people who I now call friends and I would never have had that opportunity had I not have become ill.
I write now, even if it is just on a blog, something I have always loved doing yet never had the confidence to do.
After years of therapy I am learning about myself for the very first time.
Life is not as bad as I thought it was
I am strong, I will continue to fight and I am determined to manage my illness.
I have always been determined to be a good mother, if I get only one thing right in my life it will be that.
So remember when life looks like its falling apart, it may just be falling into place.