I feel guilty after becoming pregnant after abortion and more so because I didn’t want that baby but I do this one. I am sharing my anonymous story here on the blog with Emma as I want to remain anonymous yet also feel sharing my story will hopefully show other women going through this that they are not alone with their feelings.
I had an abortion last year, early on in pregnancy, an abortion at 6 weeks. I had always been against abortions but I felt like I had to for my family. I had 3 kids already aged between 1 and 5.
This pregnancy wasn’t planned at all, unlike my others. I remember with my other 3 being excited and happy seeing 2 lines appear on the test. This time, I was scared and upset.
Maybe it was because it was unexpected, a shock. Maybe it was because I knew I didn’t want another, I didn’t know then and I don’t know now. The baby’s dad felt the same, shocked and not a happy reaction. We decided together that it was “for the best”.
I remember sitting in the waiting room after my scan. I knew the scan photo was in the file I was holding. I tried so hard not to look. I thought if it looks like a baby there is no way I can go through with this. A little blob was all I could see. I was only 5 weeks so it was likely just the yolk sac at that point.
I was pregnant after abortion
I went on my own because I thought it best. It was bad enough me being there never mind my partner too. He did offer but I said no. So sitting there on my own did feel a little odd. I felt I was being stared at by others who were sat with their partners, I bet they were thinking I’d got knocked up on a one-night stand or didn’t know who the dad was. That was far from the truth. In fact, I have never had a one-night stand in my life.
Sitting in the room with the nurse with a cup of water and the first pill, I popped it in my mouth, hands shaking. I couldn’t swallow it. I spat it out several times. I didn’t think I was going to go through with it. I was crying. I don’t know what made me eventually swallow that pill but I regretted it straight away. Soon as the nurse said I could go I went to the bathroom to try to be sick and stop it from working.
Going back two days later for the other pill was horrible. I sat down and again I was crying my eyes out. I asked if there was any way I could not take this pill and have my baby instead. She told me no. The pill I took first would have likely had stopped any heartbeat and growing and even if the baby did survive they would likely to be very poorly.
I hated myself
How had I done this?
I took the pill and ran out of there. I never wanted to go back.
A few days later I was hardly bleeding. I called up like I was told to if I hadn’t bled properly. I was made to go in and was scanned again. I hoped beyond hope that they found my baby. That the abortion had failed. That I was given a chance. But I was wrong. I was told I was “lucky” to not be having a bad time with my bleeding and not in pain.
I wanted the pain, I wanted the bleeding. I deserved it for what I had done. I hated myself for having that abortion.
Why I had the abortion I know, for my family, for my children. Financially I was not in the right place for another. I was still young. My 2nd and 3rd child both had health issues and that meant a lot of appointments. I needed to concentrate on them. My partner had long working hours and hardly saw us as it was without having to provide for another child.
At the same time, I know now how much I would have loved and wanted that baby. It would have been almost one by now, instead, I am pregnant after abortion with another baby. A baby I decided to keep. I feel guilty for having an abortion every single day.
But I am now pregnant after abortion and I feel so guilty, not just for the abortion itself but for allowing myself to fall pregnant again and for choosing to keep this one but not that one. What makes this baby more important or different from the other? Nothing. A life is a life. I chose to end one and not the other. How is that fair of me?
Is any of this right?
I am in a better place financially yes. But I am not with my partner anymore. The abortion was the beginning of the end for us. I wish it wasn’t but it was, I blamed him for letting me do it, for agreeing to it. Even though I know it was my body and my choice. It was wrong of me to blame him. I know that now, but it is too late.
This baby is with someone else and he isn’t even around. How much is that just a slap in the face?! A lot I can tell you. I am getting on with it, though. This baby is due a month before my other would be turning 1. Still feels wrong.
I keep thinking what if.
What if I kept that baby?
Would it be a boy or a girl?
What would their name have been?
What would they look like?
Would I be having this baby now?
Would we still be together?
These are probably pretty standard questions but it does my head in so much right now. I Hate myself. I wish my child’s dad was this baby’s dad too. Things would be easier in some ways. Being single this time whilst pregnant is karma I guess. Having to do it on my own is punishment for screwing up what I had before.
I’m still against abortion. I feel guilty for having an abortion, it makes me realise it was so wrong. I wish I had been refused it. It messes with your head. Well, it does mine. I’ve lost babies before and that hurts like hell, so how I thought to end a life was right I will never know. Clearly not in my own mind when I did it. I regret it. I hate myself for it. I know I need to concentrate on this baby and the ones I already have but still.
It still hurts
It still haunts me
I feel guilty for being pregnant after the abortion so if you ever think about an abortion please think it over long and hard. Nobody but me and my partner knows really. It’s in my notes for medical reasons and I am so ashamed, I bet the midwives and doctors are disgusted that I could do that and then have another a year later. I know I am.
Why did I keep this one? Trust me, it wasn’t planned and I wish I hadn’t fallen pregnant to be honest as bad as that is. Bad of me I know. Again, hate me for feeling like that. I kept this baby as I couldn’t face another abortion. I hoped it was my second chance even if I do have to do it on my own.
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