All I wanted was a fathers love
I am sixteen years old, I am known as a mature, happy and well turned out girl, yet despite how others see me, confident, happy and no troubles in life, that it is not true. A fathers love was all I had ever craved as a young child but that love would be the one that hurt me. Apart of me was snatched away years ago and has left me never to be the girl who I once was. From the moment I was able to understand things, which must have been at the age of five years old, all I ever knew was abuse.
My mum was violently abused by my father, he hated me, little did I know that even after she’d leave him, worst was yet to come. She soon met the man of her dreams, I was only eight years old, I actually thought that he was all I ever could have wished for in a father. He was so sweet, supportive and seemed to be understanding. Once he gained my mums trust, she thought I was safe to be at home with him whilst she went to work from 2 pm to 12 pm at night. I don’t blame her, I thought I was too.
So here I was sitting on the sofa and he was right in front of me on the carpet playing a game, It was dark outside and no one was around. He said “come here and sit beside me”, so I did. “Do you want to learn how to play this game too?” he asked me, and being a little child, games are the best thing in the world, So I said yes. He told me to sit in the middle of his legs and he’d teach me, as I got the hang of it and I was holding the remote myself whilst sitting on his lap.
His hand slid up my top
Slowly his hands opened my hoodie zip and he pressed tightly onto my chest parts and he started to kiss me on the neck. Apart of me was saying this is wrong but then being a little girl who had never received fathers love I didn’t know what love was? But my soul made me rip his hands off me and he kept putting them back.That’s when I knew it’s wrong.
I knew I couldn’t get to anyone in the location we were so I made an excuse to go to the toilet and ran into my room, luckily my door had a lock on it so he couldn’t come in, even though he tried to persuade me to open it, I didn’t. I had decided that if he broke into my room, then I’d jump out the window, I know it sounds crazy, but at the time I thought it would have been better than facing the nightmare that could have happened.
Yes, he did not manage to that night but I have not told my mother till now, at the time I had found out she was pregnant, I had never ever seen her so happy and I felt that if I told her not only it would snatch her smile away, but after everything she has been through, she would hold me responsible for it.
I made excuses for him
I thought maybe he was too drunk that night, so he would never do it again, In that hope I let it eat me from the inside, but day by day the pain grew. I was afraid to live in my own house.
As I got older he got scared, that maybe I’d tell someone and he’d be behind bars and even though he had tried it so many times again after that night, being old enough I never let him get close to me.
I do have a 3-year-old sister now, thanks to him and looking at her and the way he behaves with his own daughter is so different, he respects her as a daughter. I don’t want her to lose her fathers love like I did and that’s one of the reasons why I remain silent till today. But the good news is that I’m moving out very soon and going to be seventeen soon.
My message through this is not only for the victims but also the mothers, I know mothers want to give the best start to their kids in life and knowing my mum oh my god she always thought she was the best mum and she would read these things and be like ‘ ooh I would never let that happen to my child’, or ‘how can any parent be so irresponsible to be leaving their child with someone whom they don’t even know properly yet?
It could be happening to your child right now.
I’m sorry to say, but the truth may be that you are that exact person right now, you don’t even know it could be happening right now behind your back. My mother was too blinded by his love so she trusted him. But not everyone is who you think they are.
How to help or make sure your kids safe :
Having gone through what I did as a child, these were some of the things that I wish my mother had talked to me about or taught me:
Please warn them of areas that are not appropriate to be touched and if someone does then what action they need to take.
Regularly tell them that you believe in them and trust them, so they don’t need to be shy or afraid to disclose a sensitive matter to you.
Tell them and make them realise how important they are to you And how their life impacts yours too.
If you get into a new relationship and suddenly can’t spend as much time with your child, then he/she will feel that your love for that new person in your life is greater than theirs. They will feel that if they tell you it may take away that happiness.
As parents, you need to keep being there for them and reminding them that you are there anytime if they need to talk to you about something.
Lastly as crazy as it may sound, please give them a phone, even a cheap or old one, tell them that if they feel something is wrong they can call you or someone they trust. You never know that one phone calls may save their whole life from being invaded with regrets and nightmares.
My mother tried her best, I guess she just rushed into falling in love and trusting too soon.
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