One of the saddest things I witness daily is how many women are unhappy in a relationship yet believe they deserve no better. Complaints about relationships are one of the common topics discussed on my support group.
I know how it feels to be unhappy in a relationship, I have two failed marriages, both times I ended the relationship. I had no choice with my first marriage, it was violent and not something I can use as an example here, as anyone in an abusive relationship is in danger and needs to leave now.
But my second marriage was everything a woman would want, he was kind, attentive, did housework and helped raise the children, most women would be more than happy but I wasn’t. The marriage didn’t last because I fell out of love with him. I changed, my needs changed.
How can you tell if you are unhappy in a relationship?
I know more than most that we all have good and bad days and so do relationships, there will be times you feel happy and secure and there will be times you question your relationship.
Just being in the same room as he annoyed me, we had nothing to say to each other. I dreaded returning home to him, I craved time to myself and he seemed to shadow my every move. We didn’t even argue, I simply couldn’t be bothered to even do that.
I stopped caring and I stopped trying, we began living separate lives, sleeping in separate rooms. We were staying together for the children’s sake. Yet surprisingly when I ended the relationship he was genuinely shocked, he had no idea how I felt. Maybe that was my biggest mistake, the marriage could have been saved had we of talked.
All I could think about was how much I wanted to be alone, I wasn’t happy, I was living in misery. It wasn’t a whim, I had felt this way for months. I resented him.
Would you be happier without them?
I was due to go to Australia with my mother and aunt to visit my brother, we had discussed the trip but when it came to booking it I pulled out. I knew booking a holiday 8 months in advance was wrong, as I couldn’t face another 8 months of unhappiness. I was in an unhappy relationship and no holiday in the sun was going to make me happy. I knew then that I had to tell him it was over.
When you start thinking life would be happier without them, you know you’re in big trouble. When you are unhappy in a relationship this reflects in every other aspect of your life and this showed, friends and family began questioning if everything was OK.
I had been able to put on a show in front of others but it became too difficult. The children were also beginning to see the cracks appear. I knew I would be happier single, yet had 6 children stuck in the middle of it and I knew the breakup would hit them hard. It didn’t, in fact, the opposite happened, the family home became less tense and they adapted quickly.
After the initial shock, he moved out, into his own flat, still saw the children. We were able to put space between us and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. He sunk into despair while I became happier. To find my own happiness I had to hurt him and that’s not something I find easy to accept.
People do change
I was very poorly for 3 years, bipolar stole my mind, my career and my friends, my husband became my carer during those years. But as I began to recover I changed as a person. Years of therapy have taught me so much about myself and I became a stronger, independent woman with a passion for achieving the goals I had set myself.
I began volunteering for the NHS as a service user and I have been lucky to be able to attend courses designed for NHS staff members. I have new qualifications and I am no longer afraid of my mental illness. I am now very motivated and have a drive to succeed, yet he was stuck as a househusband and had no motivation. We became two different people.
He admitted he preferred it when I was ill. It was as if I had no use for him now. I no longer needed him to care for me, the home or the children as he had been doing. I was capable to these things myself.
He hadn’t worked for 3 years so trying to find a job was difficult and caused a drift between us. I wanted him to work, wanted him to have the passion and drive I had to become a better person, but he was happy sitting around the home on his Xbox. It wasn’t for me. I wanted more.
And so I have now have two failed marriages and I can only hope that you can learn something from my own experience.
Will it make or break your own relationship?
Will this prompt you to talk to your partner so your able to save your own relationship or will you realise your unhappy too?
What you need to do if you’re in an unhappy relationship:
- Talk to your partner about your feelings
- Decide if you both want to put the effort into saving your relationship
- Accept some relationships are toxic and can not be saved
- Decide if you would happier without your partner
- Imagine your future without your partner – how does it make you feel?
Most importantly do what will make you the happiest, do not feel guilty for wanting better things for yourself, even if this means a life without your partner.
While nobody is 100% happy all the time if you find yourself miserable when you’re at home then you may be unhappy in a relationship. It may just be that you’re stuck in a rut and its time to have a discussion or it may mean its time to move on to the next chapter of your life.
Have you ever been unhappy in a relationship?
What did you do about it?