This is an anonymous blog post
A few weeks before the incident I’m going to tell you about, I need to tell you what had happened a few weeks before.
They told me it was my fault.
I had been invited to go for a meal with a group of allowed friends and I had to be in at 9.15 dad had said. I begged for him to let me stay out till 10 but he refused, anyway mum let me stay out till 11pm.
I did have a lovely night and got in bang on 11. I went into my bedroom and he had smashed all of it up, my stereo I had just bought after saving up was in tiny pieces.
The curtains and bedding ripped all my stuff smashed ripped or just thrown about.
Anyway not sure how but we all got over it.
Then I started college and there was a harvest festival dance at the big nightclub two towns, over 10+ miles away. I had never been out like properly out so I begged to go.
I was allowed as long as I went with the two girls they thought were nice girls. I was not drink much and get the college bus that had been put on for us.
I met up with the two girls who promptly binned me and I soon got talking to this nice lad.
I had a couple of pints and I was feeling tipsy so I started drinking coke. I had never been to a nightclub before and hadn’t really drunk much anyway in the past so the inevitable happened I was absolutely drunk.
I was enjoying myself, just stood talking to the lad, my so-called mate turned to the other one and said “f***k her the stupid little virgin, I don’t even like her, my mam made me bring her”
And with that they got on the bus and left me 10 miles away from home with some random lad.
It was cold and I had no money, OK I could have phoned my parents but quite frankly I was scared too as you never could tell what my dad would do.
So the lad said “I’ll walk you home”
Now at this point I didn’t have much experience with people and such, like my friends were chosen by my parents and I wasn’t allowed to mix with boys or yobs as my dad likes to call them.
I didn’t have money and I wasn’t going to phone so I agreed I would walk home with him.
What I didn’t realise was he had been plying me with alcohol all night; I had drunk more than I thought. It took ages to walk and it was so cold, but we chatted away as we walked and he seemed genuine.
As we got near his house which was a good 5 miles away from my house he asked “why don’t you go in my house instead and sleep in the spare room?”.
Because I wasn’t allowed to make friends as a kid and then I was sent to an all-girls school I was extremely young for my age, but I had also no need to fear him and I was drunk.
Anyway once in his house we went upstairs. I said “cheers for this you’re a lifesaver”.
He then grabbed me, putting his hand over my mouth he pushed me onto the floor of a bedroom and whispered in my ear “don’t make a sound cos you’ll scare him for life” nodding at his younger brother asleep in the bottom bunk.
He kept his hand over my mouth all the time and god it hurt.
I had silent tears running down my face.
He raped me
It ended and he pulled me off the floor and shoved me in the next bedroom and locked the door.
I left at 7.00 am and phoned my dad who did pick me up, we didn’t speak on the journey home. He would go nuts if he ever found out I wasn’t a virgin.
I knew on one level what had happened but I suppressed it anyway soon I found out I may have a bigger problem.
I hid it for as long as I could but they found out.
I felt so happy, OK the circumstances weren’t perfect but this little being that I saw on the scan would be the only other living thing properly blood related to me.
I loved it since I found out I was pregnant.
When my parents found out my dad dragged me to the doctors. In the car on the way there he said I couldn’t keep it as my mum was going blind and that would be my fault.
Also that as I am such a useless waste of space the baby would be taken away or if I did have the baby I wouldn’t have a family.
I’m ashamed to say he verbally beat me into submission
As I was really close to the cut off the procedure for an abortion, it was done really quickly.
When I came round from the anesthetic I remember being inconsolable asking again and again if the baby was all right and was it a boy or a girl.
My dad picked me up from the hospital. I said I’d been told to take it easy, he said I had caused this problem by being drunk and a slag.
He then turned and said to me “You are playing the trombone in the orchestra in the shopping centre; I’ve brought it for you and your clothes you can change in the toilets”.
And with that I stood in a busy shopping centre playing my trombone in the orchestra I was part of.
They told me it was my fault
This has affected me so much over the years. I did years later explain what had really happened to my parents, not that it would have made a blind bit of difference.
They told me it was my fault and I was just really stupid.
This is an anonymous blog post. You can share your own experience to help others. All blog posts submitted via the blog anonymously email form will be added to the blog anonymously for you, just like this blog post has been.
Please don’t read and run, show your support by leaving a comment for this very brave mother, it was my fault they said , do you agree with them?