I own a popular support group for mothers on Facebook and when a mother inboxed me and told me why abortion is wrong for her and that she was feeling low and alone because her boyfriend didn’t want the baby that she had desperately wanted to keep my heart went out to her.
She is struggling to deal with the aftermath of her decision. It’s so easy to judge a situation we have not been in isn’t it?
While I know many would have suggested she choose the baby over her boyfriend, she is the one who has to live with her choice, not us. I hope you will read her anonymous story and offer her some kind supportive words.
Why abortion is wrong for me
I began to feel low in December of last year, I had recently found out I was expecting a baby and I guess the news was a huge shock to the system. The baby wasn’t planned and when I shared the news with my partner it wasn’t the reaction I had hoped for. My boyfriend didn’t want the baby and this is why abortion is wrong for me because its not what I want but he told me in no uncertain terms that I had to get rid of it.
I had been unfaithful earlier on in our relationship and we were still trying to move on from that, he found it difficult to trust me and we still had a few problems we were trying to work through, a baby being thrown into the mess turned everything upside down. I guess I secretly hoped that a baby would help us move forward as a family, make us stronger, enable us to have a fresh start.
But my boyfriend didn’t want the baby and I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I wanted the baby and this is why abortion is wrong for me. I knew that. I had to decide if to keep the baby and lose him, or terminate the pregnancy and keep him. It was such a difficult time, but I felt I owed it to him, after all, I had already put him through.
I had an idea of how many weeks into the pregnancy I was and had worked out when my baby’s due date would be. I tortured myself for days. But in the end, I knew that without my boyfriends support there was no way I would be able to raise a baby alone.
Should I have an abortion? I needed him and although abortion was wrong for me I felt I had no choice.
My boyfriend didn’t want the baby at all
I felt empty and so alone. How did I know if the decision I made was the right one? What if I made the wrong choice? It took all the strength I could find to pick up that phone and with shaking hands and between heartbreaking sobs I dialed the number to my local abortion clinic. I made an appointment.
On the day of my appointment, I arrived alone and afraid and wracked with guilt and sadness, I was six weeks pregnant. An abortion at 6 weeks had to be easier to deal with than leaving it any longer.
I had no idea how I was going to get through this. I was breaking inside and nobody could help me. My name was finally called after what felt like a lifetime as I sat in the cold waiting room. I was taken to a room where they checked my blood pressure. It was high but what did they expect given my situation.
I had to be given an ultrasound scan
I had to have a scan so they could determine how far into the pregnancy I was. I was told not to look, but I couldn’t help it. There on the screen, barely visible was my unborn child, my baby. I wanted to jump up and run, run as fast and as far from that clinic as possible, but I couldn’t. My boyfriend didn’t want the baby and I didn’t have any other choice.
I thought about the little boy I already had, he was four years old and he needed his mommy to be strong for him, I used my love for him to keep me strong enough to have the procedure. He couldn’t and didn’t deserve to be in this situation and I needed to keep things as easy as I could at home for his sake.
I stayed strong, only crying at night-time when nobody knew. I painted a fake smile upon my face and just got on with things the best I could. But it didn’t stop the pain, it didn’t stop the guilt.
But months on the feelings of emptiness are back, I feel so low. I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop the guilt from eating me up inside. The side effects of abortion are tearing me up inside.
Did I make the right decision?
Had I have kept my baby he or she would be due to born very soon.
My boyfriend didn’t want the baby, but I did and I did it to keep him and this is why abortion was wrong for me. I feel an emptiness inside of me like I am missing something. I can’t forgive myself for what I did and I am so afraid that I should be punished in some way for what I did.
How can I move on when I can’t forget or forgive myself?
My boyfriend didn’t want the baby, but I did, so very much so.
Can you relate with this brave mother and can you offer her any words of support or advice?
Do you want to share your own story anonymously right here on the blog? You can do so easily and in the strictest of confidence.