I know you will judge me, I judge myself and it the reason why I never went to the police after my student raped me so honestly, you can not me feel any worse than I already do, but living and having to cope with this alone is killing me.
I was searching online for real experiences of rape and came across your blog, I see many women sharing their rape stories anonymously and felt I had to share mine too, I have not told to anyone to date what’s happened to me, so maybe speaking out will help me.
My student raped me but I will lose my job
I feel stupid, it’s my own fault I know that I flirted and enjoyed the attention of a younger man and when I knew I was going too far and what I was doing was wrong I tried to stop it, but he didn’t want too.
I am a newly qualified teacher at a local college, my class is aged 17 – 25 and as I am 29 I feel more of a friend to most than a strict teacher, this approach has meant I have never to date had any teacher disaster experiences, until now.
I do get the odd wolf whistle when I walk into the class and yes it’s flattering but I am very professional at college, I take my career seriously and I have student finance loans myself to pay off after years of training to be a teacher. I love my job.
I was invited to a friend of a friends birthday party at a local club and as I am not usually a social butterfly I went along to mingle and make new friends, as I have moved to this area due to my job and have a select few number of friends since relocating.
The birthday bash was in full swing and soon enough soon was I, I had been drinking a few hours before I felt arms sliding around my waist from the back, I turned to see one of my students smiling down at me.
Then a tall, dark and handsome man approached me
The tall, dark and handsome specimen who stood in front of me made butterflies dance in my stomach.
I stuttered hello and tried to make small talk, stupid for acting that way, I should have straight away pushed him off and told him he was overstepping the mark, yet it was me overstepping the mark when I accepted another drink and another from him.
I didn’t tell my friend who this guy was, said just someone I knew, she didn’t guess he was only 17 and neither did the barman who was happily serving him alcohol, I admit he did look at least in hs mid-twenties.
For those stupid few hours, I was flattered and acting like a giggling school girl. It had been a long time since any man had showered me with this much attention and I admit I liked it.
When he offered to walk me home when I became a little unsteady on my feet I thanked him, such a gentleman and when he kissed me on my doorstep I kissed him back and then I foolishly allowed him to follow me into my flat.
But I knew it was wrong
My flat is small and only has one bedroom, which is where he led me by the hand, I felt wanted and the sexual urge took over and I allowed him to undress me as I tore at his jeans.
But I felt a shock like a lightening bolt had shot through my body and I tried to sit up but his lips were kissing my neck and as he began to go further down I felt a wave of panic set in.
“Stop, we can’t do this”
He told me to shut up and to lie back and enjoy.
I told him NO, I shouted NO
He told me I wanted this as much as him but as I started to struggle he gripped my wrists and held his legs against mine so I couldn’t move, his weight bore down on top of me and my student raped me, right there in my flat.
I cried throughout, screamed and begged him, he just carried on. Afterward, he got off me, pulled his clothes back on and left without looking back or speaking a word, I waited till I heard the front door slam shut and I ran and locked it and then the realisation of what had just happened hit me, I had been raped.
Or had I?
I had been drunk, had flirted with him, had let him buy me drinks and even allowed him to walk me home. I welcomed him into my home, was I to blame?
My student raped me 3 weeks ago and I have yet to return to work, I took a week off sick and I have been to my GP and have a 2-week sick note for depression, it wasn’t difficult to explain depression to the GP but I couldn’t tell him the truth.
Teachers can not have any kind of relationship other than a professional one with their students. I am terrified that he will brag about some form of sexual encounter with me with his friends and if anyone finds out my career will be over.
I have felt so low over these past few weeks that I have even thought suicide maybe the answer but I can’t do that, I just feel so afraid right now. I will bring shame on my family if this gets out publicly.
I will lose my dream job and all for nothing, yes I am partly to blame but I did say no, I tried to make him top but my student raped me and I can not report him to the police because of the consequences to myself.
What do I do, please help me?
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