I found your blog by chance but I want to thank you for creating a place for people like me. You see my mother raped me when I was a young boy and it’s a secret that I have carried inside ever since.
I have been too ashamed to share this with anyone until I found your blog and read many stories similar to mine.
I finally feel ready to share what happened to me and again I thank you for allowing me to do this.
My mother raped me when I was a little boy
I was physically and emotionally abused for as long as I can remember.
I have read the social service reports and its harrowing.
Some of the things that happened to me I do not remember, because I was too young.
I spent many years feeling anger towards social services, they knew I was being abused and neglected yet they left me there.
I was 13 when they finally took me away from my mother.
And while I knew it was the best thing for me, I loved my abuser, she was my mother after all.
My mother did many awful things to me but I always made excuses for her.
I never told anyone about what was happening to me.
I kept her secrets
She was an alcoholic and I blame her addiction more than I blame her.
She was a horrid drunk, I would always get beaten.
And my mother raped me once when she was drunk.
I do not think she even knew she had done this, but I remember it all too well.
I was in bed, her bed as the house was full of people as always.
Some down and out guy was sleeping over and I had to give up my bed for him, so my mother told me to get in hers, I did as I was told.
I knew better than to defy her.
I was sleeping when my mother came to bed but was woken when her hand reached for my “private area“.
I was 13 and knew this was wrong
I had no sexual experience whatsoever yet I knew what she was doing.
She was rubbing me.
She climbed on top of me and my mother raped me, right there in her bed, in our family home.
I was terrified and just froze.
I could hear banging and music and voices downstairs as the people in our house continued to party and get drunk.
She climbed off me after some time, turned over, and fell into a deep drunken sleep.
I got no sleep at all that night, I lay there shaking and crying.
I left for school early that morning, relieved to get out of the house.
I was terrified to return.
But when I walked back into the house after school, my mother was doing her usual thing, lying on the sofa watching TV.
She acted no different towards me
Maybe she didn’t have any memory of what she did to me.
But I was never the same after that night.
Three months after my mother raped me I was finally taken into care and placed with foster parents.
I made their lives a living nightmare.
I was a screwed up mess.
I missed my mother, the life I knew.
But over the years I did settle down and with the help of my social worker and a counsellor I did well at school and left with good enough grades to get a decent job.
I met a beautiful woman and we moved away, started a family and got married.
I was 29 when I heard my mother had died
I didn’t go to her funeral, I couldn’t face it.
I had met up with her a number times from the ages of 18-25 but I couldn’t have a relationship with her, too much damage had been done.
Her drinking was out of control, I don’t even know if she knew who I was most of the time as she was that drunk.
I didn’t want my children around that.
I gave her an ultimatum, the drink or her family and yes I naively thought she would change, but she didn’t.
So I cut my mother out of my life.
I have told my wife about the abuse I suffered as a child, but I could not find it in myself to tell her that my mother raped me.
I am still keeping her secrets.
Has the childhood abuse affected me?
Yes of course it has
I still have nightmares about some of the things that happened to me, but the one that disturbs me most is that my mother raped me, her own little boy.
That is not something I will ever be able to understand.
I am happily married with two loving children and life is good, but I will always carry this heavy burden upon my shoulders.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story and if I ever feel ready to share this with my wife, maybe I can send her to this blog.
Thank you once again and thank you for reading.
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