My mother knew I was being abused and did nothing to protect me, just allowed it to continue, this was the real reason why we were having our lives turned upside down, but it would take years for me to find it out.
I was 5 years old, and I was terrified.
A big scary policeman with a lady I didn’t know had just come to our house and taken me and my brother and baby sister away from mummy and daddy and taken us to a house with people we didn’t know.
We were told we would be staying here and that we would be OK from now on.
What was happening?
We had been taken into emergency foster care by police and social services under the Child Protection Act, and we were not allowed to see our parents again until a judge said so.
My mother knew I was being abused
Let’s go back a few years….
Throughout my life, I had been smacked, thrown around, not fed, and left in the house alone and sexually abused by a neighbour.
I feel sick to know now that my mother knew I was being abused and did nothing to stop it.
I thought nothing was out of the ordinary it had happened my entire life that I could remember, so to me, it was nothing dodgy at all, until my teacher at school started asking questions.
Why wouldn’t I join in playing games?
Why wouldn’t I eat lunch?
Why wouldn’t I get changed for PE?
The police came to school
A policeman and a police lady came to school to talk to me, and then went away again and I went back to class and thought nothing of it.
When my baby sister was born shortly after my 5th birthday, I started to realise something wasn’t quite right.
I had learned at school that we should not smack, so I told my teacher that I saw mummy smack the baby, again the police came to school and spoke to me and went away again and mummy wasn’t at home after school.
She had been arrested after the policeman had left school and she was charged with assault on a minor and bailed.
A few months later, my sister Amber (fake name to hide identity) was rushed to hospital from the doctors.
All I remember was going to see her in the hospital and hearing the nurse tell a doctor that ”this baby didn’t break her own arm or ribs, someone did this to her, have you spoken to the family?”.
That’s when everything finally changed
Three days after Amber came home from the hospital, the police turned up with social services and took us away, we were safe at last.
We spent years in foster care, between 9 different families all around the South East of England.
Social services were determined we would be adopted and kept from our parents, and a court agreed, the court also agreed that we would be adopted as a family, they would keep me and my brother and Amber together no matter how long it took.
We were adopted
Five years later, we were adopted as a family by Emma and David.
They had been told they could not have children, and they said they had always dreamed of having 3 children, so that was why they had chosen to adopt us.
All was well until I was 12 years old and Emma suddenly announced she was pregnant, there was going to be a fourth child.
Immediately, things changed.
I felt pushed out as the oldest
I left home aged 16 and moved to my own flat close by with the help of the council.
At 17 years old, I fell pregnant with my oldest child and began to question my past.
I had never heard from my biological mother or her side of the story.
All I had was the paperwork from social services.
I needed to ask questions, face to face.
I was about to become a mother and I needed to make sure I would not lose my own children.
I got in touch with Manchester Adoption Society, the charity that had arranged our adoption, and asked them to help me contact my birth mother.
Three months later, I was sat in a small room at the Manchester Adoption Society Offices, absolutely crapping my pants, boiling hot and terrified.
I was about to meet my birth mother for the very first time since I was 5 years old.
And in she walked, and tried to hug me, bold as brass
It was like looking in a mirror, seriously, it was pretty scary.
She made me believe, in that 3-hour meeting, that nothing had been her fault when I was young, that she was ill with thyroid problems, and that my step dad had been violent towards her and was scared him and at the time, I felt for her and I believed her.
Having been in an aggressive relationship myself at this very time, I actually believed her.
We stayed in touch over the years, she came to stay with me for 3 days when my son was born and she was brilliant with him.
But I did not trust her alone with him ever
For some unknown reason, I suddenly had doubts, I have no clue what triggered them, but they were there, so I did more digging.
Manchester Adoption Society gave me copies of my entire adoption file, and O.M.G I suddenly learned an awful lot more.
Not only had I been subjected to sexual abuse by a neighbour, but my mother yes MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER had known about it and had done nothing to protect me.
Can you imagine how it feels to find out my mother knew I was being abused and did nothing at all?
It tore me apart
There were doctors reports stating concerns over things I had said at check-ups and at school, medical reports about bruising and X-ray reports about old injuries and broken bones, all of which I had no memory about.
Suddenly I knew why I had doubts. I had become a mother and had learned to trust my mothering instinct.
In July 2010, after numerous visits to my biological mother’s house to stay in holidays, she accused me having an affair with her new husband.
I left immediately, after thanking both of them for letting us stay with them for the weekend. I had not had any sort of affair with anyone (as I am happily married!!), but she would not believe this fact.
I received some extremely vile messages shortly afterward, telling me that I should never have been born, that I was the biggest mistake of her life, that I should kill my children and then myself and rid her of the burden.
The worst thing that really hit home was when she said “I wish I had killed you when I had the chance years ago, I knew I hadn’t hit you hard enough to do the job properly. I hope you die in childbirth”.
I had just announced two weeks earlier that I was pregnant with my 3rd child.
To this day, I have never spoken another single word to the vile woman, she has no right to call herself a mother, yet she does so all the time.
I can honestly say that I hate her and my step dad to the very core of my being to allow such abuse to continue through childhood, and then to treat me like this after getting a second chance at a mother/daughter relationship is simply disgusting and unacceptable.
I’ve somehow managed to move on with my life and not let her actions get to me, but I still can’t help but wonder “what if” most days.
What if none of this happened would I be who I am today?
Probably not, but hey life is meant to test us, and mine certainly has done.
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