I know people will think “why are you sharing this” well this is my way of sharing my thoughts and feelings and own experience of a miscarriage. I know some people will want to know. Plus I can then share my experience with others that have gone/are going through it.
This story is very real and very detailed and may be upsetting to some
June 2012- I had decided that I was ready to try for baby number 4 (we both always wanted a big family but due to Cam being born by emergency section and womb cut in an L shape we had to wait longer than a “normal” section. I had been unsure due to the way he was born until that moment). So we discussed and agreed and then we started trying.
February 6th, – Positive pregnancy test, I was a whirlwind of emotions, but so so happy. After all this time I NEVER thought it’d happen again.
All symptoms were exactly the same as when I was carrying the girls, even down to my cravings, with the girls I wanted savoury, with Cameron I wanted chocolate.
We choose a name for our baby
When we were thinking names ONLY girls names were coming to us, which we took as another sign. One day I was looking up to see if there would be another series of “The Mill” we got the characters, I loved Esther Price and when I watched the program and when we spoke about the program I said, “oooh Esther, do you like that”? Craig said yeah, and I’d always loved the name Violet and so that would be her middle name and there we had it, Esther Violet Roberts, that was her name from then.
I needed a dating scan as although I’d been taking my temperature and was confident about when the baby had implanted my periods were messed up big time, for 9 years I could go without a period for 6-9 months without one and then get 1-3 in one go, so doctors couldn’t go by that. Our appointment was the 10th March and so we waited.
10th March – scan at 1.50pm the sonographer asked some questions which looking back I should have been worried, but I just thought she was asking.
Next thing she says “I’ve tried every angle I can and I cant find a heartbeat” my reply was “oh ok” straight and matter of factly. My baby was gone, I had what is referred to as a missed miscarriage
I had suffered a missed miscarriage
I asked what happened next. I spoke to someone at the early pregnancy unit at a different hospital that deals with our area. I had suffered a missed miscarriage and I decided to have a natural procedure as I was petrified of surgery.
24th March – appointment at early pregnancy unit, 2nd scan confirms the first scan outcome. I still chose to go naturally, but they said I’d have to come back on the 31st of March to book in and do paperwork and have another scan, then go back on the 1st April for the operation.
28th March – I started spotting brown when I wiped.
29th March – by dinnertime the spotting was brown mixed with red, by the evening it was just like a period.
30th March I woke at 6.30 with mild contractions, by dinner time they were strong, this was proper full on labour, I couldn’t cope at home so decided to drop the kids with my Mum and go through to A and E as I’d been told to. I arrived at 1.40pm with the strongest contractions (you ladies who have had babies will know what I mean when I say the ones just before you need to push).
I wasn’t seen till 2 pm, I was sat in the A and E waiting area for 40 minutes with no pain relief, trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to upset the other patients.
After I’d been admitted I needed the loo, so I went I sat down and my body gave one last almighty contraction and that was that my baby was born into the toilet and I had no other option other than flush. I can’t get past this in my head, it tears me apart, it’s killing me. I spent the night in for observations.
It causes so much pain both physical and emotionally
31st March I was sent for a scan to “Make sure everything had passed”, but my body being my body obviously still wanted to carry a baby that was no longer there, the lining of my womb was 23mm thick and so the decision was made I had to go down and have surgery, I had a lovely anesthetist that came and talked to me through everything and put my mind at ease, but when it came to it I was still nervous but he was there and put me to sleep and calmed me down. When I woke I was teary and had a sore throat from the tube down my throat. I chose to stay in overnight as I felt it was safer for me after surgery, some of the staff wanted rid of me, but I made sure I was allowed to stay.
1st April I came home, my emotions are all over, I’m angry, sad and lots of others all in one, I just don’t know how to get over this or if I ever will.
I’m in pain emotionally, mentally and physically. I know lots will think or even say “but it wasn’t a baby” well SHE was to me, to us she was our very much tried for and wanted darling baby girl and even if you believe “IT wasn’t even a baby” it would be nice if to/around us you would call her, her/she/Esther. She was a baby, she was very much wanted and loved and she did (before it stopped) have a tiny little beating heart.
Everyone I spoke to told me it would be “it’s just like a heavy, more painful period”, well I’ve never in my life had a period like that. That was full on labour. Even the notes they have sent me home with says “period like pain and passing clots” what the hell? obviously these people (some were women) have never been through this.
Would I do the same thing again?
In hindsight would I have done it any other way? Honestly? and as weird as I sound NO, I’m glad I laboured for my darling baby girl. I’m glad I experienced it. Although IF we do decide to try again and we, unfortunately, get this horrible news again, I have to say that I would probably opt for the surgery after more than one scan to confirm. Not that any future baby isn’t worth it, but because I now know what to expect.
30th March 2015 the day my baby was born straight into heaven, Esther Violet Roberts R.I.P my Darling Angel Baby Girl
If you have taken the time to read it, thank you, you don’t know how much it means.