I had what I thought was a loving family, my grandad adored me yet my grandpa abused me from a very young age. I am a member of Emma’s support group and I want to share my story here anonymously on Emma’s blog.
I have never told my story to anyone except the police and my family and I feel strong enough to share it and I hope that someone out there has been through this too will feel less alone by reading my story.
Grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purposes of sexual abuse or exploitation. Children and young people can be groomed online or in the real world, by a stranger or by someone they know – for example a family member, friend or professional. NSPC
My Grandpa Abused Me
I had grown up with the ” perfect” family, a loving mum and dad and a sister and two elder brothers. I had the best Nanna and grandad ever who I absolutely adored.
I was very close to them both especially my grandad, he was not blood-related but had been there for me since day one.
We shared a love of motorbikes and building things, I was a proper little tomboy.
When I was 10 they started taking me abroad, I was the luckiest girl ever, but it was just the beginning of him ruining my life.
While my nanna had a snooze in the afternoon myself and my grandad would go for a walk, when walking past certain shops that sold adult themed toys he would make little sexual remarks, which I didn’t understand nor did I really take it in.
Once we were home he started taking me to the speedway, which loving motorbike I was in my absolute element. We would go every Saturday. He brought me my own motocross bike and started buying me all the home teams jackets, shaking, hats etc, little did I know this was called grooming.
He was grooming me
He would ask me if I had kissed a boy or if I knew how to, I’d get embarrassed and wouldn’t answer back.
He started walking around in his dressing gown but his manhood would ” accidentally” pop out, which he would laugh about.
Whenever he tickled me he would always touch my boobs especially as I began to develop.
As I got older the questions got more intense and he started asking very personal question’s, one of which, while we were on the way to speedway was ” do you know how to give a handjob?”
I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, and he said “ill show you” he got it out and began masturbating, he reached over and took my hand and placed it on his, moving it up and down.
I felt really weird and embarrassed once again
He always told me it was OK and this was a granddads job to teach me how to make boys happy, which being 11 I didn’t understand any different.
He also said I shouldn’t tell anyone as it would upset them that he taught me first.
One day while my nanna was out he said he had a film for us to watch, I was so excited, I remember I had a bath first and a had new nighty to wear. We were on the settee and the film began.
It was not a film for an 11-year-old
It was a hardcore porn film, he began playing with himself until he was satisfied and he once again took my hand and got me to feel what it felt like, I didn’t like the feel and I ran to the bathroom and scrubbed my hand.
A few days later I asked my friend if her grandad had shown her his thing down there and if she had watched the same film, she was horrified and said it was wrong and I needed to tell my parents
I was really scared I was going to get in trouble and I felt sick at the thought of being told off.
Each time I stayed at my grandparents my friend phone me to see if I was OK.
I began to make excuses not to go, my mum always made me go though as it would make grandad very sad after spending all that money on me.
He made me feel guilty
My grandpa abused me yet made me feel guilty about it.
I felt really guilty for thinking of my nanna being upset that I no longer wanted to go, I loved her so much, she wasn’t well, she had bad kidneys and was waiting for a transplant.
Another time while I was there we were in the loft and he was showing me all his old childhood toys and letting me sing on the karaoke, I was having so much fun.
Then from under the floorboards, he got his stash of porn magazines out and made me look at them.
He then said, “One day you will make me happy like that lady does”.
I was becoming angry with my family
I was getting cheeky and nasty with my sister and I began getting nasty with my nanna so she would stop me going to her house.
It didn’t work, my grandad told my parents to let me stay with them for a month and I’d soon want to go home as he would not take my backchat.
So thinking they were helping me, off I went for the month.
One night my nanna was out with her old friends, I was so scared when grandad made me a drink to help me sleep, I can not remember anything about that night apart from I woke up feeling so very sore and I was bleeding.
My nanna said I must have started my periods
My friend saw how damaged I was and could take no more and burst into tears one day and told her mum everything.
While I was at school she went and spoke to my mum
When I got home my nana, mum and a police officer were waiting for me, my nanna burst into tears and just kept holding me, as did my mum.
They both felt so guilty for not knowing and making me stay at their house.
He admitted everything and because of that only got two years in prison, he served 12 months.
My confidence was gone, I became a nervous wreck, I developed IBS, I started having anxiety attacks and became withdrawn.
I lost friends, my parents became very protective although my dad stopped hugging me, my mum later said he was scared to in case it made me upset.
I am still afraid of males
I never had a boyfriend in high school as I couldn’t even talk to boys. I was and still am very shy around males.
I met my current partner when I was 18, and 9 years on we are still together with a gorgeous daughter.
I’m finally in the midst of having counselling to talk about everything that happened to me as when my nanna died 6years ago I went to a very bad place inside my head.
I loved her so much and she always made sure I knew how much she loved me .
My so called grandad lives 10 minutes away from me, I saw him once last year in the local shop, I felt physically sick, he looked at me in disgust.
I never told the police everything as I felt disgusted with it all, I told them little bits of what that man did to me and sometimes I wish I told them everything, but at such a young age I was so embarrassed and confused.
I loved him but my grandpa abused me, I thought he was just doing what every other grandad does.
He has stolen my childhood and my self-confidence but he will not destroy my future anymore.
Written By An Anonymous Mother To A Beautiful Little Girl
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