This is an anonymous blog post
My daughters feet turn in I remember saying to a friend one day; she laughed it off and told me most kids at that age did.
At ten months old it was still bugging me but I kept reassuring myself that is was normal.
Many toddlers walk ‘pigeon-toed don’t they? I guessed that it would correct itself in time.
When she turned a year old she began having fits.
When I wrote my first blog post for Emma; My baby died two days before her due date I promised to write another to show what happened after dealing with such a traumatic loss.
As you can imagine after losing a baby your world is turned upside down, we were so lucky to have our rainbow baby but now I was terrified of losing her too.
We have had to attend so many hospital appointments that I have lost count. She has not been diagnosed with anything as of yet so it’s just a waiting game for us.
Her feet turn in even more so now
She has regular physio to try to correct them.
I discovered I was pregnant which was a complete shock to us, but after talking we realised we were excited as much as terrified.
When you have lost a newborn baby even the thought of pregnancy is a traumatic thought. I guess pregnancy and child loss in my case were very close together, so it’s difficult to separate them.
My partner was more frightened than me and I was beside myself with fear.
Each day of the pregnancy I would fear that something bad would happen.
At thirty-seven weeks I had a planned caesarean section.
We gave birth to a healthy little boy after a traumatic birth, my placenta had crumbled away into bits and we were told we were lucky to have him.
I know how lucky I am
Sadly at eight weeks old it was discovered that he had a hole in his heart.
I had no idea how to feel or what to do.
My first baby had died.
My rainbow baby was receiving physio as her feet turn in and was also suffering from fits and nobody could explain why to me.
And now I had a newborn with a heart problem.
Was this my fault?
Was I not a good enough mother?
Why did everything have to go wrong for my children?
Thankfully the hole in heart healed by itself and he was deemed fit and healthy.
Finally after all the struggles that we have faced, things seem to have settled down. I am doing my best to be a great mum and although my angel baby is never far from my thoughts I know I am blessed to have two other amazing children.
My daughters feet turn in even now and her fits have lessened but we are still awaiting answers.
My partner and I are due to tie the knot next year and we are in the process of him adopting my daughter as his own.
Life is going well for us and I can only cross my fingers and hope it stays that way.
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