This is an anonymous blog post
Today I found out my rapist has died. The phone call from the police was surreal. I laughed when I was told. I actually laughed.
I will be honest, my first reaction was happiness.
He was gone.
The man who raped me has died
What he did to me is a blog post on here, Anal Rape; My Scars Were Infected After He Cut Me, so now I guess this is the final chapter.
After I got off the phone I spoke to Emma (Supermum herself). I told her and Emma asked me how I felt.
I told her I was happy at first but as the moments go by I am finding more and more I feel sick to my stomach. I feel cheated.
How dare he die?
The man on the phone asked if I wanted to know how he died so I said no. It doesn’t matter to me how, it’s the fact he’s gone that matters.
He was in prison and while he was there I was safe, but also he was paying for his crimes. There were 7 of us living with what he had done to us, and possibly more we don’t know about.
The police feared he had not stopped at us.
The only way I ever felt in control of myself was when he was in prison. I could imagine him suffering, being denied his life, his freedom.
It comforted me to think of him that way.
But by dying he’s got off.
He’s collected his get out of jail free card and gone straight to nothing.
He’s not suffering now
I want him to suffer
I need him to suffer
He made me suffer
What do I do now he’s dead?
I don’t want to be the one that’s left to pay the price of his actions.
There is lots of conflicting thoughts tilting through my mind. I’m swinging from elation he can’t hurt anyone now, to guilt I am so happy, to sad he’s gone.
I’m not going to miss him but now he’s gone I am off-balance and feel strange.
It seems wrong he’s off the hook now. Why should he be?
In all these years I never once considered he would die.
Now he’s gone what he did can be laid to rest, I can exorcise the last demon.
He didn’t deserve life, but I had to know he lived , this driving thirst for revenge, but the revenge is never going to come now.
It’s a very bitter pill to swallow. I’m not sure how to make my peace with that.
I think its going to take a long process to figure out how I am meant to feel.
It’s so conflicting
I don’t feel safe now which is stupid. He can’t hurt me, but my safety net is gone.
Why couldn’t he have just done one decent thing and stayed alive in jail?
Does this mean he’s won?
He’s never going to answer my questions now.
The man who raped me has died and I feel cheated
He’s never going to look me in the eye and tell me why.
But even now I can see his blue eyes staring through me like they did that night.
I can feel the ties around my wrist cut into me. It’s so real I just caught myself checking my wrist.
There is nothing there of course, it’s just my mind, but its stinging and burning.
The kicker here is there’s no winner . I haven’t won. And neither has he.
And if there’s no winner then was everything all for nothing?
This is an anonymous blog post. You can share your own experience to help others. All blog posts submitted via the blog anonymously email form will be added to the blog anonymously for you, just like this blog post has been.
Please don’t read and run, show your support by leaving a comment for this very brave mother.