I am a mother on Emma’s Facebook support group and I want to share my difficult relationship with the blog readers, I need advice desperately and I hope you can help me.
My relationship has been a difficult one from the start. He says the first thing that comes into his head (usually negative) and doesn’t think before doing something.
He never has compliments me if I’ve done something good he will say nothing at all.
Better than being put down right?
I tell him over and over positive things about himself.
He moved out a few months back because I couldn’t take it anymore.
I miss him terribly when I can’t see him.
The guilt near kills me every time I hear my son shout “daddy”‘ on a morning from his cot.
When my youngest daughter asks if daddy is staying another day.
When my oldest’s says ‘I just want my family to be together’.
I look at my engagement and wedding rings with longing.
One of my proudest moments was becoming a wife to my children’s father and the person I love and want to support with all my heart.
I hate that it’s a difficult relationship because I do love him
But I’m never quite good enough.
I ask him to help with jobs when he’s here, but he refuses.
I make him the first decent meal he’s had in days, wait for what’s wrong with it.
A child needs something while my hands are covered in soap suds and wait for the grumbling.
Watch a film together but he’s on his phone.
Try to cuddle him but wait for the sigh as I lift his arm over me.
He says I’m boring
In my head, I’m fighting that screaming voice telling me I’m ugly and everything I do is wrong
During intimate moments, I am hyper aware of every part of my body that jiggles, twinges of pain from joints that don’t stretch properly. I feel like he’s wishing I was someone else.
Counselling doesn’t seem to have changed a thing for us, he’s due his last session.
What comes next?
Is there no hope?
Today I asked him what it means to him when he tells me he loves me.
His answer is ‘I don’t know’.
How can’t you know?
When I say I love you I mean I will do as much as I can to make life easier for you, take care of you when you’re sick, that extra kiss or cuddle just to hold on.
I’d go anywhere I could to make you happy, buy silly little things to see you smile, even when I can’t really afford it.
I’ll blow anything off to spend time with you, tell you whenever you do amazing things. I’ll tell you that you can do anything; I believe you can do anything.
But if you don’t know what you mean when you say I love you. Does this mean I really am holding on for nothing?
So why do I stay in a difficult relationship?
I stay because of any man I’ve met he can understand why I do things.
He doesn’t want to hurt my cats, me yelling at my kids when they misbehave (fairly regularly) doesn’t offend him.
He’ll watch my geeky sci-fi shows and marvel series and get just as into it as me.
He doesn’t want me to go out when I can’t.
I already know his likes and dislikes and he knows mine.
He supports me through family issues and crises. He knows my family well.
He’s the father of my children and would never hurt them.
Sometimes I look at the positives and negatives and I wonder why I’m so desperate for him to see how much I love him and show me it back:
Why do I hold on?
Will I ever get my happy ending?
Am I the only one going through this?
Will I ever let go of this difficult relationship?
Do you have any advice?