This is an anonymous blog post
Thoughts of self harm fill my head, its like a whirlpool of thoughts and urges
But I can’t, I must resist, my kids ask questions, my husband checks me daily, at least once.
He thinks I don’t notice, he’ll eye my thighs in the bath, he’ll scrutinize my arms as I dress ,I know what he’s checking for and it hurts that he’s so paranoid.
But I made him that way
Last time I self harmed it was particularly bad. I was desperate to ease the noises in my head but knew he’d find out. So I cut my foot. I didn’t think at the time of the consequences, having to walk on it. It hurt, a lot, it felt good but it became infected and wasn’t nice.
My husband became angry and said I need sectioning, again.
His words hurt, but maybe its the truth
I was cooking pasta for tea tonight, I watched as the water bubbled away and by accident some spat out onto my arm and burnt me,
It gave me an idea
I poured boiling water over my hand
The kids were playing upstairs,nobody was around. I picked up the pan, held my hand over the sieve and poured the boiling water and pasta over my hand.
It really fucking hurt
But it felt good
The pain lasted for hours,second degree scolding, apparently the skin continues to “cook”.
The blisters were horrendous.
I have to go back tomorrow to have them drained and re-dressed.
I like the hospital, they were so caring because of my little accident. I feel guilt because I know I am lying.
And everyone thinks it was an accident and my children don’t question me and so the cycle begins, again.
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