This is an anonymous blog post
I had a rough childhood, I was 15 when my parents divorced and this is when I began to have depressive episodes, lasting anything from a week to months at a time.
When I was older and had my first child it changed dramatically.
My bouts of depression are far and few between and usually never took any depressants to fix this situation. I had a child I just carried on.
I did have family support, not stable but they were there.
Now I’m in my late 30’s. I have two more beautiful children. I also have had several back surgeries and spend a great deal of time in pain.
What I want in this world and I know will take away the sadness, is to stay at home and be a mom. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom.
I don’t want to take the children to day care.
I don’t want to go to work and be away from them.
I don’t want to pay a stranger to care for them who doesn’t understand them.
My husband however thinks it’s just all in my head
Every time I pick my children up from day care my heart breaks. Every time I dropped him off at school my heart breaks.
I’m not opposing public school, I am completely against day care.
And I’ve been in this internal depression since I gave up and put my children in day care.
Now I have this job I despise it and I sit there in pain for hours on end thinking that I could be at home with my children and not some stranger taking care of them, just me.
I would also have the ability to relieve some of the physical pain that I go through during the day.
I have to make doctor’s appointment all the time and it stresses me to try to get my employer to allow me to take these visits that I need including a psychiatrist.
If I didn’t have to work and I could stay at home with my children that would eliminate the psychiatrist.
This is something that we could afford to do if we tailored our lifestyle for it.
But I’m at a breaking point.
I just want to be a stay at home mom
My youngest child is difficult and stubborn and I believe he has high stress and anxiety moments. When he’s in these day care environments he can’t go with the flow of the class.
He cries very loudly and wets his pants, which furthers my pain.
I’m happy and loving and free when I’m with them and living a simple house wife life. I had that when they were babies and I haven’t been myself again since I’ve gone to work and they go to day care.
All I want is that less physical pain daily and do be with my little ones.
I’m stuck watching everything go wrong
My little man needs one on one and I need to breathe happiness.
There’s so much more but that’s a good slice of it and I’m not the type of person who always has to have her children with her at all times it’s not obsessive.
I want to raise my children and I just want to be a stay at home mom.
And to add to the fact that I’ve had several back surgeries and dealing with working Monday through Friday, is a little slice of hell.
Please help me.
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