I never expected to have difficulty bonding with baby and I still to this day feel guilty that I rejected her.
I do blame the traumatic birth for what happened and I wanted to share my own experience in the hope that others new mums who are feeling this way will see that it is perfectly normal and they are not in any way at fault.
I had difficulty bonding with baby after a traumatic birth
I was really lucky as I sailed through my pregnancy and actually found that I enjoyed it. Other than back pain and the odd bout of sickness, I think I did amazingly well.
I knew that my baby was going to be on the bigger side and that it was going to be a breach birth, but towards the end of the pregnancy, my baby had turned itself around.
I was thirty-eight weeks when my hands began to fee funny as if they had become tight. The headaches soon followed and nothing would shift them. My feet looked the size of elephants they had swollen so much.
I was checked over by the midwife and my blood pressure was raised, I was advised to go to the clinic where they would be able to monitor me and baby.
They decided that the best option would be to induce me; they reassured me that everything would be fine as I was almost at the end of the pregnancy and thirty-eight weeks was close enough to the forty.
After receiving a sweep, it didn’t take that long for the first bout of contractions to start. I was given Diamorphine for the pain. I didn’t sleep all night and by morning, I was exhausted and fed up.
The day dragged by slowly with nothing happening
By the following morning, I was 2cm dilated.
I walked and I walked and I walked some more.
I went for a bath to ease the contractions I was having.
I even bounced up and down on one of those strange balls.
As soon as I left the maternity ward to go outside and get some much-needed fresh air, the contractions began to get more painful and regular.
They scanned me at this point to see which way my baby was lying.
Nobody seemed concerned and I was basically left to just get on with it.
I was so relieved when a midwife finally noticed how much pain I was actually in and offered me pethidine which I took gratefully.
After what felt like weeks I was taken up to the labour ward.
My waters were broken for me and there were an awful lot of them, it seemed to be a constant stream.
I was like a fish flapping about in the water when they sent me for a relaxing bath; I was in that much agony. A bath was not helping at all.
After begging for an epidural one was given but only my left-hand side became numb. They tried to “top it up” but it just was not working.
A clip was attached to the top of my baby’s head as the heartbeat began to drop, I was terrified.
By the time it came to push, I couldn’t
I was exhausted; I just had no strength at all. I began to panic.
They took me down to a theatre where they told me they would try to use forceps and if that failed then I would need an emergency caesarian.
I was given a spinal.
They used the forceps and told me to push, thankfully she came sliding out but the cord was wrapped around her neck, twice.
My baby was grey.
My heart stopped beating for that moment and the relief I felt when she let out an almighty scream is something I will never be able to explain, my baby was healthy and perfect.
But I didn’t want to hold her, told them to give her to her dad.
I was numb
Bonding with the baby was meant to come naturally so why was it not happening?
Where was the rush of love that a mum felt when her baby was born?
I felt a failure, I couldn’t even push her out and I had put her in danger.
Back at home, we soon settled into a routine, if you can call it that, I had time to relax and enjoy her.
I spent as much time as I would just hold her close and could sit gazing at her for hours and felt so guilty for not bonding with baby like it was meant to happen magically.
I did finally bond with my baby and that rush of love felt magical.
Did you have difficulty bonding with baby or did you feel that instant rush of love?
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