Growing up I thought it was because of my disability that I was never wanted. I always felt worthless. I would question why they didn’t just leave me when I was born dead, why did they have to resuscitate me?
I would question why they didn’t just leave me when I was born dead, why did they have to resuscitate me?
Why does my mother say these things? Maybe it was what every parent does when they’re mad.
Maybe it was what every parent does when they’re mad.
But most of the time she wasn’t mad or angry she would tell friends and family in general conversation ‘I never wanted children, I hate kids’.
She wouldn’t show me any affection really, the odd hug here and there and that was about it.
As I got older there was a short time me and my mum grew close, but it wasn’t to last for long see she was buying my love, new clothes, expensive haircuts but the problem was I didn’t need or want all those expensive things.
I just wanted her to tell me she loved me and mean it.
I started growing apart from her
At 14 I was going out with friends and getting drunk at a local park it was my escape, I felt worthless.
Then one night my mom came to me and said she was leaving my dad.
She had said it a few times before so I didn’t believe her.
A week later mum packed up while dad was at work. I was picked up from school and we went to live with my mums mum, with mum.
I was nervous I didn’t know what to expect at my new school and worse still, 6 months before this I had been diagnosed with an eating disorder and severe depression, I was 14 at the time.
When my parents split everything just got out of control, I couldn’t cope.
All the things my mum had said to me over the years and was saying during her separation with my dad got too much.
I felt worthless
I hit rock bottom and I didn’t know where to turn, I started self-harming.
I then made a new friend, we grew quite close, I thought he was helping me, but it turned out I was an easy target.
I was 15 by now, we lived in a secluded village so would regularly go to each other’s house or the park to chill out and have a fag.
Then one night it happened.
I tried to scream I kicked the wall I put up a fight until he threw the threats and I froze.
I begged him to stop.
I kept trying to get him off but he was too strong.
I felt worthless
I feared for my life
Every minute felt like an hour, I felt physically sick I couldn’t breathe and then it stopped I was bleeding.
I didn’t know what to do so I grabbed my skirt went to the bathroom and then while he was messing about with his stereo I ran.
I phoned my dad who managed to get to me in less than 10 minutes. I was too scared to go home in fear that my mum wouldn’t believe me.
I was too scared to go home in fear that my mom wouldn’t believe me.
My dad held me close, kept saying he was going to kill him.
I cried and cried and cried
It was getting late and mum didn’t know I was with dad so dad took me back home, he told my mum what had happened to me, she sent me to my room, saying we would talk later.
I knew what that meant.
Dad left and mom came to my room.
I was right she didn’t believe me.
I was given a lecture about how lying about something like that was wrong and she gave me the third degree about how I didn’t know what it was like to be raped.
I felt worthless yet again
I curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep.
The following morning I put on my face, did my hair and went to school like nothing had happened, after all, the one person that is supposed to protect me didn’t believe me so I had to suck it up and get on with life.
But I couldn’t, behind my smile I was breaking even more inside.
I wanted to tell someone but I couldn’t pluck up the courage after the lack of understanding from my own mom.
Then one day it all got too much and I told a friend of mine that I had sex with *******. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the rest.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the rest.
I phoned my boyfriend that night and I knew something was wrong. I finally got it out of him that our friend had told him I’d had sex with *******.
I finally got it out of him that our friend had told him I’d had sex with *******.
I burst into tears
I felt worthless but told him the truth, I told him what my mum had said too and the next weekend that he came to mine he confronted my mum and told her she needed to contact the police.
Two weeks later I had to do a police video. I put on a brave face, he was questioned too but responded “no comment” to every question asked and because it was a few months after the incident by this point the police had no evidence so he was never convinced.
I put on a brave face, he was questioned too but responded “no comment” to every question asked and because it was a few months after the incident by this point the police had no evidence so he was never convinced.
Things got worse, the emotional abuse from my mother continued, I felt worthless.
I didn’t want to be alive anymore, what was the point?
Everyone who I loved and trusted let me down and hurt me.
I couldn’t escape, I felt like I was drowning and being constantly pushed further under the water. I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t breathe.
I turned to alcohol and then when that stopped numbing the pain so much, weed was my escape.
My partner stood by me, but even still I couldn’t cope.
Around 6 months later after months of me pushing my partner further and further away, my trust with him slowly grew and 2 months later despite using contraception I discovered I was pregnant, I was 15.
Scared was an understatement, what would my mum say?
I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mum but I managed to convince her to get me an appointment with the GP.
I told him I had done a test and it was positive he did one there too double-check … in seconds the lines appeared.
I cried not because I was pregnant but because I was scared of my mum and how she would react. The GP told my mum, she kicked off big time.
Three weeks later after going to a consultation for an abortion with my partners mum and telling my partners mum I wanted to keep the baby my mum gave me a choice to have an abortion or leave.
There and then I packed my bags and left, I felt worthless as ever.
I didn’t know where I was going to go.
Mum gave me and my partner a lift to his parents’ house.
I didn’t care what I had to do but I was keeping my baby
Luckily my partners parents took me under their wing, the abuse from my mum got worse and even though I was no longer dependant on alcohol or drugs to cope, my mental health was far from ok.
My mum continued to grind me down, she even stood at the front door of my in-laws and once said ‘and you can go and slit your wrists for all I care’.
I held back the tears. my partner slammed the door I ran upstairs and cried.
Four months later my baby was born, my mum was there for part of the birth and even after I had just gone through labour, she had to put me down.
I felt worthless all the time because of her.
Our relationship was rocky after my son was born, she would do everything possible to cause fallout.
After countless times of trying to build a relationship with her when my son was 18 months old I cut all ties.
(There is a lot more that has happened between me and my mum but I’ve gone on long enough).
I now have 2 kids, I’m still with my partner 8 years this year and my little boy who she last saw is now 6.
She destroyed me
Because of her I felt worthless and truly thought my son would end up in care and that I wouldn’t cope, but I’ve actually proved her wrong.
Yes she destroyed me and my childhood but now I’m over it and moving on.
I am 2 years medication and therapy free for my mental health with no relapses.
I’m stronger than I ever thought I would be and I’m proud of how far I have come.
I’m an amazing mum to my kids and I have a truly amazing partner who has stuck by me no matter what.
She tried to destroy me and at one point she succeeded but I didn’t give up without a fight … she’s no longer part of my life and has never met my second child.
I and my children are better off without her
As hard as it is to look back, without it I wouldn’t be who I am today, an independent women with determination dreams and a voice that is heard.
I will go further than she couldn’t even believe and in 3 years’ time, I hope to have accomplished my next dream to be a successful businesswoman and mumpreneur.
‘Sometimes you have to fall before you can learn to fly’
I felt worthless back then, but now I have it all.
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