I have been through so much and all I do is cry all the time. I was a cutter. I was homeless at the age of 16. My step dad also molested me. He used to catch me in the bathroom after a shower and corner me. He used to try to make me touch his private area.
I have only told a few people and it’s a hard thing to talk about. I get sick even thinking about it. Even if I did what I was told, I was called stupid, retarded and dumb.
But I’ve been abused more than my fair share
My first boy friend used to beat me. I went to work with bruises all over black eyes. I used to try to cover it with black makeup, hoping it would cover it up with some concealer.
His mom was a crack user, she stole my class ring. But when we were younger I got pregnant at the age of 18 and he told me to abort the “mother fucker” and slammed me against the wall. I told my parents and because I was young and still in school, not ready to be a mother, I had an abortion. That was the second scariest time of my life.
But even after that, I went back to him and he had a house but no job, so I moved in paid for the house food and his mom’s habit. I did that for a year. He disappeared for a whole week, no call or note just gone. I don’t know where he went.
But when he came back I was confined to sleeping on the floor, giving him gas money to go have fun, while I worked and was still giving his mom money.
I packed all my stuff when he was gone and left just like that, with no words.
My second boyfriend did the same thing except he decided that I was just this girl that he was dating, he told me I was really not that good looking even thou I was in good shape weighing 100 pounds he told me my boobs were flat.
I’m not skinny enough, I’m too pail, my head was too small for my body. He put me down a lot.
One day he told me he needed someone to talk to and to go over right away. I went over to his house wondering if he was OK, if something happened. Instead of a warm hug or a kiss I got a hand around my neck, pressed up against the door about 2 feet off the ground.
With his other hand he grabbed my hair, dropped me on the floor, dragged me by my hair to his room and raped me. I have trust issues. I have anxiety attacks.
I cry all the time, I’m scared all the time
I feel like I need to watch my back. I need to be careful all the time. I feel I need to lie to survive.
I flinch from my new fiancé, I have a fear of being hit. A fear of pain. The first couple of years when we dated I used to curl up into a ball in a corner holding my head crying. I used to cover up with 6 blankets like a cocoon all year around, just so I could feel if I was being messed with and wake up.
I used to sleep in hiding places, being used to sleeping on the streets, but it was so I felt safe enough. I would always try and break up with him, if I felt the slightest bit of anger or untrust ? But he stayed with me. Granted he doesn’t help me with anything and expects me to deal with my emotions.
I was going to get a gun but decided not to since my fiance already has one, but it was like my fear was controlling my life. I cry all the time and my fear made me pitiful. Its OK to be afraid that being afraid after everything, not living my life, not enjoying my life or letting anyone in isn’t.
I’m doing better now I sleep with one blanket now. Granted I am really really stressed out and having anxiety attacks and I cry all the time, crying all day sometimes but I am doing better than what I was.
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