I want to share anonymously with you why the fear of how I would cope after an abortion made me change my mind, I didn't end the pregnancy and I decided to keep my baby.
I had missed that time of the month at least 4 times in the past and I assumed it was nothing as my periods had never been regular until I spoke to a friend and plucked up the courage to go to the doctors.
At lunch time we left school, I was 15 at the time and I went to see the nurse and told her I was 4 months late, so she said "right 4 weeks late" I said no 4 MONTHS late.
She talked about doing a pregnancy test, so we did one and the words I really didn't want to hear came out of her mouth "your pregnant I'll need to examine you".
Behind the curtain I went, pants and knickers off, she confirmed I was a few months and said to me bluntly "I am guessing you want to book a termination" I nodded my head she told me to come back after school for the paperwork.
Could I cope after an abortion?
I walked out of the room, back into the waiting room where my friend was waiting, I was white and she knew straight away. I burst into tears and told her to swear not to tell a soul, she didn't, time passed and the day of the termination came.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I asked my friend to come, she said she couldn't, she had to go to school, so off I went on my own. I remember getting to the station feeling numb, standing in the train toilets crying, scrubbing the jam of my jacket that I had dropped down myself on my moms jacket, thinking she was going to kill me.
I got on the train listening to my MP3 player until my stop came. I got off and walked up the road, arriving at the clinic which was a big posh house. I checked in and had to have a scan. I didn't see the screen, it all felt so surreal, again I ran to the toilets crying my eyes out.
How would I cope after an abortion?
Would I ever be able to forgive myself?
Should I have an abortion at all. or should I keep my baby?
I had a blood test and had to explain why I couldn't and why I shouldn't have this baby. I was too young wasn't I? I couldn't have coped with a baby. Surely this really wasn't happening to me.
The lady said she would book me a bed and told me I would have to give birth to the baby, I felt sick. She made a joke about it saying "I bet I wished I had come to the clinic a week earlier".
Did she really think this was a laughing matter, I didn't.
What does life change after an abortion?
People asked questions and I lied and said I was on my period. A rumor started that I was pregnant and I denied it, it phased out until one day the school counselor came and got me out of my a lesson, she asked me if I was pregnant, of course, I denied it.
She said "you're having a girl" I can tell from your bump, I denied it again until I cracked and begged her not to tell my mum till after Christmas.
But one day I was out with my mum, she had an answer phone message from social services, she thought it was because of my attendance at school and she thought I lied about always fainting. She had no idea at all that I was pregnant.
I got home with her and my sister had left a note about social services coming around, I ran to my boyfriends and hid.
My sister phoned me, said my mum knew I was pregnant and was coming for me. I was so scared at this point, I was 7 months pregnant.
I went for a scan and went from there and to this day I remember the fear of it all going through all that on my own. I was far too afraid of life after an abortion that made me keep my secret and my baby.
I was terrified but I honestly wouldn't change a second of it.
But I am so pleased that I couldn't go through having an abortion.
My daughter is now 8 years old.
I carried on at school and I did my exams. I went to college all thanks to my mum. The stereotype of really young moms is rubbish, I had my baby and yeah I was young but I wouldn't be where I am today without her. I never got to find out if I could forgive myself after an abortion because I could go through it.
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