I hated my pregnancy so much and when I look back I feel guilty for the way I felt. If only the hospital had found out sooner what was wrong with me, I would not have become so depressed.
I wanted to share my experience with the blog in the hope of inspiring any other mum-to-be who is currently suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum .
I remember thinking I have missed a period, actually I had missed a few and I better do a test. Well as I was weeing the line appeared.
Ok I’m definitely pregnant. I was shaking. I was scared of becoming a mum. It was a massive shock.
My career was on the go and I was half way through a teaching training course. I had a job interview for a full time course leader job at the college where I work at, this was on the same week I found out I was pregnant.
I only told my mum, dad, partner and best friend. I wasn’t sure whether to say anything to work because I really wanted the job. However, I didn’t get it, but I suppose it was fortunate because I was having this baby.
I knew even though I was shocked and scared I wanted this baby. I was over 12 weeks and my baby was growing in me, I was excited as much as I was scared.
I hated my pregnancy being a secret but I thought it was best
My partner is very aggressive, he has never hit me or anything but he has a short temper. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. One moment he was caring and considerate the next he would be having a go at me for whatever reasons. Half way through my pregnant we had a huge row. We had been arguing a lot during the pregnancy; he got up and left saying “goodbye forever”. Later that day we made up.
I never told anyone my news of being pregnant until I was around 17-18 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t ashamed; I was so scared to tell my family and work. I was convinced work would use it against me and my family would be disappointed as I was on the career path and literally the golden girl, I didn’t want to let anyone down.
I needn’t have been as worried
My family were shocked and delighted. Everyone was so supportive and more excited than I was. I hated my pregnancy secret so much and now I was actually able to tell everyone and start getting excited. I was sailing through my pregnancy, until around 22 weeks.
I had bad stomach pains one night, I thought nothing of it. The next day I was fine, I went off to teach, it got to about 7pm and I felt sick. I ran to the toilet and threw up. My mum picked me up from work. I got home and was sick again with nasty pains. I rang the hospital. I was in the waiting room and after a little while I started being sick more rapidly. I was vomiting every 20 minutes for hours.
About midnight I was finally seen. I was admitted and put on a drip. I stayed in hospital for nearly a week. I came home and then it happened again. I was in and out of hospital loads of times. I couldn’t eat or drink.
I was throwing up blood
I had injections here, there and everywhere and covered in bruises because of them. I got very low, I felt sad and lonely despite being surrounded by people. I hated my pregnancy, I was signed off work which annoyed me because I love my job. I hated hospital, I hated some of the patronising midwifes, I hated my consultant. No one knew what was wrong with me.
Eventually, I just wanted to die. I felt like I was on big brother in hospital. I would lie about eating and drinking so I could go home. They measured all my wees and I felt violated. I hated bed pans. The bloody drip machine beeped all night, I couldn’t rest. Morning would come and I would be shattered.
I was depressed.
My parents came to visit and I was so miserable. I wanted this baby out of me. I kept asking them to rip it out. I cried all the time. My partner wasn’t very supportive, he is a very selfish person to start with but my mum and dad were with me every step of the way.
The last time I was in hospital I saw a new doctor. She listened and put me on new medication. I was in hospital for over a week before I was discharged and that was the last of it.
No more sickness.
I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum
Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a complication of pregnancy characterized by intractable nausea, vomiting, and dehydration and is estimated to affect 0.5–2.0% of pregnant women. Malnutrition and other serious complications, such as fluid or electrolyte imbalances, may result.
Hyperemesis is considered a rare complication of pregnancy, but because nausea and vomiting during pregnancy exist on a spectrum, it is often difficult to distinguish this condition from the more common form of nausea and vomiting experienced during pregnancy known as morning sickness. – Wiki
I started to get my appetite back, just in time for Christmas and my birthday. Having hyperemesis is awful. Is it any wonder I hated my pregnancy? It makes me angry; it took the hospital so long to work out what was wrong with me.
But I was so glad to be home although I was convinced I would be back in. I was numb for the rest of the pregnancy.
In January I had my little man, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I feel so guilty for feeling the way I did back then. I didn’t look after myself and I would cry myself to sleep. But now I look at my little baby and I can’t believe he is here and I am so happy and lucky to have him.
I tell him every day that I love him and that he is my number one. I had difficulties during labour, but despite having a crap pregnancy and crap labour I have the most amazing son. Who lights up my life.
I hated my pregnancy because of hyperemesis gravidarum but I love being a mum.
Did you suffer during your pregnancy in any way?