I had no idea how to make it in life, I was given no support, no motivation or encouragement to succeed or make anything of myself.
I came from a social background where there were no expectations placed upon me.
I was a nobody and would amount to nothing.
My teenage years were wasted, hanging around the streets, drinking alcohol and smoking weed, I had no adult to keep me on the straight and narrow road, I was not dealing with emotions, I was just blanking them out.
I sat my English GCSE exam nursing a major hangover after a night of binge drinking, I was out of control and so was my life.
I went to college, I decided a hairdressing course would be fun and it was, I loved it, but just after my 2nd year of training began my father declared we were moving, I had to leave college.
At 17 I met my first husband, during the 11 years of domestic violence I held a strong front, I began my own business, opened my own brick and mortar shop and was finally succeeding in life.
To outsiders I had it all, a successful business, a husband, a large showroom home, a brand new car parked in our drive and 3 designer dressed children. Although behind closed doors life was very different. I was living a lie.
How do you make it in life when you have no control?
Life with a controlling husband was difficult, I stayed because I feared for my life but after 11 years of hell I finally left, I didn’t just leave, there were court injunctions and a house move but I did leave.
How to make it in life when your past sucks
I no longer knew who I was, life after abuse is so difficult to describe, I had no idea what I was meant to do.
I had lived under his rules and his demands for so long I feared going out without someone’s permission.
I was finally in control of my life yet had no idea what I was meant to do.
I didn’t have to wait long because my brain decided it was so confused that it just switched off, stopped working. I was later diagnosed with bipolar amongst other things but a label of mental illness doesn’t help when you have 3 children depending on you.
I didn’t have family or friends to turn too, I had moved house, the children had to go to a new school and I still lived in fear of my abusive ex-husband.
My business crumbled along with my mind.
I met my second husband in 2007 and in 2008, 2009 and 2010 and I had my 3 youngest children, I was now a mother to 6 and still had no idea how to make it in life.
I was barely functioning, I wasn’t living.
I had to take responsibility for my life
For the next 3 years, I allowed the depression and the self-pity to overwhelm me.
I had no fight left.
I deserved everything I got.
I was worthless and useless and deserved no better.
My children would have been better off without me.
Suicide was never far from my thoughts.
My psychiatrist had enough, and one day gave me a few home truths.
What was the point of going to appointments if I wasn’t willing to get better?
I may have bipolar, PTSD and hear voices but I was also a loving mother with 6 children, I had a loving husband who had basically raised my children for the past 3 years as I had just shut myself away from the world.
I was being selfish.
Yes, people had done me wrong, yes I came from a dysfunctional childhood and yes I had been abused severely at the hands of my ex-husband, yet I was allowing my past trauma to damage my future and not only mine but my children’s.
I chose to live in the past.
I had a choice.
I was in charge of my life
I will not insult you by telling you I that I magically changed my life overnight because it took me a further 3 years to be able to stand here today and tell you how to make it in life when your past sucks and by god does my past suck.
But my life doesn’t suck now and neither does my future as I have taken full control of my life and my own happiness now.
I still have bipolar and PTS and I still hear voices but so much has changed, I have changed.
I no longer allow the demons of my past to haunt me, they try but when those negative automatic thoughts creep into my mind I remind them who’s in charge and that’s me.
I had to stop blaming others for my misery, although they had caused me harm they were no longer a part of my life, yet I was still allowing them to control me.
I had to face up to those demons, accept they had happened but acknowledge there was nothing I could do to change that, we can not erase our past.
Learning to let go
When so much bad has happened to you it’s difficult to move forward but when suicide is your other option, you have to fight. I had 6 children who needed a mother.
How do you make it in life when your past sucks?
You take responsibility for own happiness and you spend every waking moment fighting and facing up to the demons of your past.
Face them head on and stop blaming others for how your life is now because you are at the steering wheel.
With CBT, DBT and a variety of therapy and medications I am now able to lay my demons to rest, yes they rear their ugly heads regularly but I am no longer afraid of them.
I no longer dread waking up on a morning.
How do you make it in life when your past sucks?
The best revenge to an ugly past is to have a happy and fulfilled future.
Only you can decide how you look at your life and I prefer to make life goals and plan my future rather than focusing on my past, how about you?
This is how you make it in life.
Have you ever allowed your past to destroy your future?