This is an anonymous blog post
I met my ex-partner when I was fifteen years old and started dating him at 16. He was my first boyfriend, so when he started emotionally abusing me – I did not see how wrong this was.
I will refer to him as R
R started by forcing me to say that I loved him. He had invited me to a family wedding party and I attended, excited about this prospect. After a few pints, R was quite clearly drunk.
He whispered in my ear that he loved me – we had only been together about a month or two and I knew this wasn’t love – and I just smiled.
He then proceeded to ask; over and over “Aren’t you going to say it back? Just say it” and I did.
What a mistake
He then demanded to hear it constantly. I was a virgin when I met R, and I did give consent and lose my virginity to him. I regret this as well. He was also losing his virginity and it turned him sex mad.
I didn’t enjoy a single second – although I didn’t worry as my friend, C had advised me that no one enjoyed it for at least 6 months – and anyway, it was all over VERY quickly.
He never wanted foreplay, which pleased me as the idea of him doing anything to me or me to him disgusted me. At 16, I was very shy and didn’t want to do all manners of things.
I remember one day him asking me to kiss him, down there. I refused and he just stood there, pushing his erection into my face. This is when the physical abuse started.
He’d touch my private area
He would touch my private area when we were home alone, without asking and not stop if I asked him too or tried to wriggle away.
One day, we flew out into Europe on holiday with my parents. R and I had a separate room across the hall from my M & D and on the last night,R and my D had shared some shots. R was pretty dunk – that’s when the abuse happened.
I was 17 at the time. He wanted to have sex as this was the last night in a foreign country and he didn’t want to ‘waste’ it. I pretended to be asleep and he didn’t care.
R was unbuttoning my shirt – touching my breasts and down into my pants and private areas, I remember the feeling as if it was yesterday and just writing this is making me feel sick and vulnerable.
He had sex with me – even though he thought I was asleep
I then reacted – telling him to get off of me and he ignored me – finished and rolled over.
That’s when I knew it had top end. I ended it with him months later – to which he became aggressive and threatening.
This is the first time I have even written, or spoken about it in a detailed way. 5 years later I am with my loving caring partner.
I am seeking therapy as from tonight with my GP as these nightmare memories still affect me today.
Sex is just fine with my new partner but I am still very funny about being touched without asked – and all the emotional abuse R gave me has really messed up my brain.
The most controversial thing is – I never reported R and I never will.
He raped me and he should be punished.
I’m not reporting him, not because I’m scared but because it’s too much hassle… to go to court.
There’s my word against his – no DNA.
And I don’t want my family to know I kept it secret for 5 years.
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