I had no idea that the man I loved hit my son and I want to share my experience of domestic violence here anonymously on Emma’s blog because the guilt is tearing me apartI also want other women who are trapped in an
I also want other women who are trapped in an abusive relationship to see that children are in the middle of the violence.
Like me, you may think he would never hurt your child because I thought that but he was hurting my 3-year-old little boy.
*Please note that this is an anonymous story but all facts are very real*
I can’t tell you how many times I have cried and felt guilty, how many nights I lay awake thinking, wishing I had done things differently, chosen my path better.
The man I was to fall in love with hit my son and I will never forgive myself for putting my son in danger.
I was 22 years old and had a son who had just turned 4. I had been working at a fast food restaurant, taking care of my son by myself and had saved enough money to get us a home. It was small, a one bedroom apartment but it was something we could call ours, I was so proud, thought it was all falling into place for us.
I felt so lucky
I met a man who had a son of his own, he was older then me by 10 years, his beautiful little boy was only 3 months to the day older than my own son.
I went out with him a few times before he invited me and my son for dinner at his home. His son was there too so the kids played while he made pasta. I couldn’t help but think how lucky I was.
In time, we moved in together, but after a few months, things began to change, this man who I thought loved me started staying online the whole night watching porn and talking to other women.
When I confronted him he would tell me he said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again, but he always did.
He started drinking every night more and more, I didn’t like it but if I said anything he would get angry.
One day while I was at work and had left my son with him I got a call from my mom, she had been to my house visiting my son who had begun crying and begging her not to leave as she was saying goodbye.
She asked me if he had hit my son.
I had never seen him hit him, he didn’t even spank him around me.
I would know if he was hurting my child.
He hit my son and I didn’t even know
A month later he phoned me at work to say the social were at the house, my son had a small bruise on his left eye. They talked to both the boys, my son and his and I was told I needed to return home. They asked to speak to me alone. The boys had told the social services lady that my partner had caused the mark to my son’s eye, she then called my son into the room and asked him to tell me how it happened. My 4-year-old son said “daddy got mad and hit me like this” he balled up his fist and punched his hand.
She told me she had to place the kids on a safe plan, I didn’t cry in front of her I told her I understood and I did it’s her job to keep the kids safe. I made the arrangements for the kids to stay at his mom and dads house because my mom and dad’s house was not clean enough for kids.I packed the kids up and drove them over there. I had lost my son and the care system were now involved because I had failed to keep my son safe.
I almost choked when I heard him crying ” Mommy I’m mad at you, mommy why are you not here?” one night when I phoned to speak with him, I told him I was going to get him home soon and he was just spending a little time away and to be good.
Things got worse not better
Back at home, the drinking got worse, this time, drinking 30 bottles of beer a night. The arguments became more regular and more violent. I attended all the parenting classes the care system arranged for me and I did everything the state wanted me to do and more. He made no effort, he had hit my son and I had my son taken from me and he did nothing to help me fight to get him back.
He had pictures of other women on his phone, he started to be violent during sex with me. I told him not to do certain things and he would lay me flat on my tummy and do it anyway. I would say no but he would just push my face further down into the pillow, sometimes it hurt so bad I would bite the pillow, anything from making a sound, that would make him more angry with me.
I was scared if I left I would never see his son again, that little boy who I now saw as my own. I also loved him and I know he hit my son but like many abused women I blamed myself.
One night I couldn’t deal with his drinking anymore and him yelling at me and hitting the wall, I ran outside. Within half an hour he was texting me telling me he would kill himself if I didn’t return. Didn’t I love him? I ran back to him as fast as I could.
You make excuses for your abuser
Was he drinking and angry because he felt guilty?
Was he seeing other girls because I was ugly?
Was it my own fault?
Had he only hit my son once?
But stepping inside the house I knew something was wrong, he grabbed me and dragged me to the bedroom where he throw me onto the bed. He started stroking my hair, telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn’t live without me. If he couldn’t have me then he would make sure nobody else could It was eerie and terrifying.
I became too afraid to be alone with him
He got so drunk one night while we were at his brother’s house, I drove him home and again he yelled at me, I told him I had forgot something so I had to go get it, he passed out before I was out of the house. I didn’t go back home instead I went to friends and sat there crying asking them what was wrong with me.
Finally good news came, my son was able to come back home. I stopped working so I could be with him at all times to assure his safety. I still didn’t want to be alone with him and felt afraid for my son so I had my female friend come stay with me.
But an evening soon after saw more trauma for my son, my partner was putting a DVD on for the kids to watch but my son had already chosen which one he was going to watch and complained. I was preparing tea but went to see what the commotion was about and I as I walked into the living room I saw him hit my son.
I asked him what the hell he was playing at and he flew into a rage but so did I, needing to protect my son I did not back down, this time, He apologized for hitting my son. But I was too angry.
He screamed at me to shut up (but with more graphic words) and with pure fear and anger, I launched myself at him and hit him. He slammed me into a desk but I slammed the door behind him as he left.
It took me two days to find a place to go. I went to my mom’s house and a bullet shot at my mom’s car. I then went to my friends house where iIstayed the night trying to figure out something. His brother told me I could stay with him and his roommates so I did, he gave me and my son his room.
He was threating to shoot me
I got a call from someone saying that he was telling everyone he had a bullet for me. I called the cops and moved the sofa in front of the door and then my son and I hid in the bedroom closet and I called his brother. His brother came home and stayed with me and the cops were driving passed the house multiple times over the next week.
I didn’t dare leave the house, I was far too scared. In the end, I had to move. My ex-partners son will be 6 now and I miss him terribly but I couldn’t stay wth his dad because I loved his little boy, he hit my son and I had to put my own child’s safety first. I get updates from his uncle, the one who took us in.
My son still gets bad dreams, he hit my son and terrified him but it’s getting better. We are now safe and happy and even have a new man in our lives, nothing like the past.
I never thought for one moment that he hit my son and I beg of you if your son ever tells someone something listen to them, they may not even say it, their behavior may start to change, don’t be as naive as I was.
I hate myself for what I put my son through, They say time heals wounds and I’m still healing.
Please I beg you ladies do what is right by your child and never stay with a violent man.