I thought I’d try to explain my story in the hope I might feel some sort of closure. I was groomed by my babysitter and he abused me for as long as he could.
This Is An Anonymous Story
When I was a little girl I had a normal childhood.
My mum and dad were married and I had a little and big brother.
Everything was fine.
My parents worked, a lot.
My mum three jobs and my dad two so I didn’t see much of them and when I did they were tired and mostly my dad would pay me the attention.
I doted on my dad I really was a daddy’s little girl, being the only girl.
Most weekends my poor mum would go out with my dad and deservedly let her hair down.
That was fine.
She used to ask a responsible and sensible lad from next door, Barry. ( not real name) who we had known all our life living there to babysit us.
He was trustworthy.
He was only young himself in his early 20s so my mum was nice enough to offer him to have friends stay with him while he was babysitting us three children.
Anyway cut a story short, he had 3 or 4 friends over most of the times he looked after us.
They were all funny and I was only 6 so didn’t mind lots of people being in the house.
I liked the attention and company
They’d let us stay up a little bit late and be lenient with us.
My little brother was only 3 and my older brother was 9.
All of his friends were ok and didn’t talk to me much.
But one of the guys about 19 or 20 started asking me if I wanted to have a story before I went to sleep, in my room.
I said yes because no one ever read me bedtime stories.
My brothers would be put to bed by Barry and his friend Luke (not his real name) would take me upstairs and sit on my bed and read me one of my books from my Barbie collection.
He’d close the door.
It was all ok.
I’d go to sleep and he’d leave.
But then things changed
The next time they all babysit us, it wasn’t so innocent.
He didn’t read the book I chose, instead, he lay down next to me on my bed and began stroking my leg.
I felt numb.
I didn’t understand why or what he was doing.
I was groomed by my babysitter but I didn’t know this did I? I was 6 years old.
I had trouser pj’s on.
He just kept stroking me.
Told me to stay quiet, then said goodnight and left the room.
I was extremely confused.
But I was a very shy quiet little girl.
I didn’t speak a word of it.
The next time they babysit he did the same.
I’d choose a story after putting on my pj’s, this time he got under the covers with me.
I was a little worried.
He didn’t even open the book.
He put his hands on my legs and moved them apart.
He started playing with me, he was touching me down there.
I was scared
I didn’t have a clue whether was normal or not.
I’d not learnt anything about that while I was young.
He put his fingers inside.
He showed me he had an election, he put my hand on it and made me move my hand.
I felt very uncomfortable.
And his hands were hurting me.
I was sad but couldn’t speak a word although I tried.
They continued to babysit us nearly every week for at least 5 months.
Every time instead of asking if I wanted putting to bed he would just take me up.
And he would do the same all over again.
Sometimes, he would pretend to leave the house and say goodbye to his friends but go upstairs to my room, which I only found out due to finally confessing to my older brother and he remembered this happening.
I started to think what was happening was normal.
It went on for what felt like forever
Eventually, my mum and dad’s marriage started to fall apart, they stopped going out together.
The babysitting stopped for a while.
Then if any time after that it was just Barry alone, which I obviously preferred.
I pushed everything to the back of my head because I couldn’t talk about it, or ask for help.
I watched a program when I was around 13 or 14.
I was in a long-term relationship and sexuality active at this point, about child grooming.
Flashbacks flew through my head like nothing before and suppressed memories filled my mind.
I had been groomed by my babysitter
I had been groomed by the babysitter and abused by someone who was meant to be caring for me.
I had been 6 years old.
It hit me in the worst way possible.
I’d pushed it back in my mind for so long that it managed to stay there.
When I realised what he had really done to me, I felt sick.
I felt dirty, broken, numb.
That day will stick with me just as much as the incidents themselves.
It was like I had relived all the moments again.
Although I had suppressed it all, I had mega trust issues with men that I couldn’t understand.
I made terrible decisions with males and was very depressed as a child.
I felt worthless and useless and didn’t really want to live.
Although I hid those thoughts and feelings extremely well.
My nickname from everyone was ironical, it was “Bubbles”.
Although I had made myself forget about what happened to me it managed to take part in all of my decisions regarding guys or sex in general.
It all made so much sense now
It didn’t justify my mistakes but it certainly explained why.
I am 23 now and I have carried that disgusting secret most of my life.
I don’t blame myself at all.
If I understood what was going on I’d of stopped them, or at least tried.
After many failed relationships since I ended up in a horribly abusive relationship, I had a baby with this abusive man.
My baby’s father used to hurt, control and blackmail me.
When my ex-partner was in a cell, resulting from me calling the police on him, hs brother verbally and slightly physically tried to force himself on me, trying to get me to sleep with him.
Despite the fact, he’s my baby dad’s, brother and he is married and 3 kids.
This was a few weeks before last Christmas
I told my ex-partner about it when I got the strength to a couple of days later, he barely believes me.
I was distraught.
I told him a week later the reason why his brother’s actions had really upset me, I told him what had happened to me when I was 6 years old.
Obviously, at this point, his brother’s family and I weren’t getting on as I was apparently a ‘liar’.
I hated his brother for making out I lied, although he has a track record of it.
After me finally telling someone in confidence he told his brother and his brother’s wife what I had confided about.
My phone filled with texts from his brother calling me a liar.
Saying that I had asked for it
That I was disgusting
My partner didn’t even stick up for me.
I was ridiculously low at this point
He kept defending his brother
I called him a scumbag for the sick things he said to me considering his little girl is the same age I was when it happened.
He jumped at me and strangled me in an attempt to kill me.
With my children from previous relationships and our baby upstairs he tried to kill me.
Luckily I survived.
With massive bruises around my neck, I was in agony with my throat and neck.
I was scared, so scared.
I’d already called the police numerous times before when I felt my life was in danger but this time I was in too much shock.
Eventually, I’d had enough of being controlled and letting my secret control me.
I finally called the police about both incidents at the same time in June this year.
The police were so nice
I wanted a fresh start for myself for my head once and for all.
Since I took too long to tell the police about the attack from my now ex-partner they couldn’t take action.
They put it down to just common assault although in my view it was attempted murder and had to be reported within 6 months.
They dragged me through the long police video interviews with more suppressed memories coming back.
It was horrible.
Then I had to do another video interview about the child abuse.
It was the worst week ever.
Having to go back and forth to the police station.
My ex-partner was put on bail and the investigation of being groomed by the babysitter is still ongoing.
I thought it was too late as there was no proof as it had taken place so long ago.
But I was wrong they really do try so hard to catch these people out.
I’m still waiting for an outcome.
I’m standing my ground now for myself and my children and owe it to us all to be tough.
I will never get over what happened
Hopefully, if and when he gets charged I may be able to move on.
This has been so hard to write.
I’ve had nobody to turn to or talk to me about it all.
When I was little I actually tried to tell my mum but she said: “If that was true you would have of called police or told me so don’t lie”.
I will now be a strong mum and protect my babies from all evil and listen to them both matter what.
I just can’t believe this all happened to me.
I was groomed by my babysitter at 6 years old and its something I will never be able to forget but I will not allow that man to destroy my future happiness.
I still don’t have hardly any family or friends.
I’ve learned to support myself now.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story with your blog anonymously and for listening to me.