My partner and I had been out for lunch at the time, it was a 30-minute walk home so we set off, I pushed the pram. After 15 minutes I felt wetness, I thought I’d come on my period and in the middle of know where I had to carry on, it got worse and started coming down my legs. I called a lift while my partner carried on with the pram.
When I got home I went to the toilet, pulled down my trousers and what came out I just didn’t expect, I wasn’t pregnant so had no idea what it was. In a mass of bloody was a tiny piece of something. I knelt down and looked closer, it was a baby, a tiny barely formed baby. Maybe like an alien toy we had as kids.
I could make out an arm still molded to the body, my baby had no legs just a tail and a face not yet risen just the imprint on a head still merged with the body. I was pregnant and this was a miscarriage. I hadn’t had a period for 12 weeks but I was stressed, my relationship was breaking up that’s why. I didn’t know what to do, I was stood half naked covered in blood looking at a baby I didn’t know I was having.
Then I heard the door and a tiny voice shouting “mummy”. It was my young daughter. I turned on the shower washed, wrapped a towel around me and closed the bathroom door. I got dressed and went down to my little girl. I made her tea, played with her and brushed her hair. Then bedtime for her came and I knew I had to do something
Flushing my baby down the toilet was a mistake
I had to come to terms with what I’d left for 5 hours on the bathroom floor. I went in, got some tissue picked the blob up, moved it closer to me and looked at it for a while, then what I did next to this day I still don’t know why or if I should have done it. I placed it in the toilet and after flushing it, I just stood in a state of confusion and panic.
I then cleaned the blood up, took another shower and went to bed, in bed I cried and I don’t think I stopped until the morning. I obviously felt bad about it but when my little girl was awake I knew I couldn’t grieve. My partner was selfish about it “you didn’t know you were pregnant so why are you crying?”
Although I didn’t know I was pregnant, when nighttime came I grieved for my baby, what was now gone. flushed away before it was ever here. I thought my partner was being selfish because it was his way of grieving but no, honestly he didn’t care.
As time went on it got easier to think about the miscarriage but I still didn’t know where it should have gone, flushing my baby down the toilet probably made the grieving process harder to deal with. My relationship broke down and in time, I met my current partner and had a happy healthy baby girl. I told him about my loss and he held me while I told him, more than my ex-partner ever did.
When I look back now no matter how much I still think about the little arm or face I saw, I know my baby wasn’t ready to come here and I know it’s “daddy” wasn’t ready to be just that, but I still regret flushing the toilet, I just didn’t know what else to do.
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