I wrote this poem about self-loathing when I was dealing with a particularly bad week of flashbacks and anger.
Flashbacks, or involuntary recurrent memory, is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of a past experience.
These experiences can be happy, sad, exciting, or any other emotion one can consider.
The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person “relives” the experience, unable to fully recognize it as memory and not something that is happening in “real-time” – Wiki
The healing process isn’t smooth; it’s a bumpy road full of starts and stops. Sometimes running in full reverse.
Flashbacks ensure I am never able to forget my past. Triggers are all around me.
You can read all about my experience by reading The heart of a kid, a survivor, but a little kid nonetheless.
A Stranger Within
My face turns from tanned flesh to scarlet
Lines formed from frustration
Plague my face
A swelling of hurt
Choke off my otherwise cheerful demeanor
Rivers of tears prepare to cascade down my face
I tremble from an anxiety of uncapped emotions
No longer controllable
I can no longer look at the mirror
For I no longer recognize
The face that stares back
It’s as if the stress is breaking
The bones in my face
Contorting its entire structure
In a fury, I slam my fist deep into my face
As the shards of glass slice deeply
Into nerve, vein, and muscle
This act temporarily numbs
The deeper wound within
As my gaze lifts back to the mirror
I see the transformation is complete
My fingertip collects a drop of blood
From the broken mirror
And I bring it to my lips
With a sudden shudder
I collapse to the floor
And my heart
No longer capable
Of supporting myself
My face falls into my bloodied hands
Wave after wave of sobs racks my body…
I met someone today
Someone I’d have been happy
If I’d have never met them.
You can follow Shane on Twitter for further advice or support or just to say Hi as he’s a great guy.