This is an anonymous blog post
Why didn’t I leave? I blame myself every day. I met this guy in 2003 and he was lovely. This was love at first sight or so I thought.
On our first date I went to his house and he treated me like a princess, he ordered dinner had drinks in I loved it and it stayed this loving way for 3 months.
I made the stupid mistake I mentioned children and marriage and he agreed. I was shocked I couldn’t believe my luck.
Within a month I was pregnant and he seemed very happy. I was over the moon.
But when I was 9 weeks gone he started to get nasty and would start an argument if I didn’t have his dinner ready, over small things.
I was quite scared when he became abusive but I was pregnant and I was in love. I just accepted it.
During one argument I said I wanted us to be how we used to be and in that one moment, he snapped, he started punching me.
I tried to protect my stomach.
I lost my baby that night. I had a miscarriage.
So why didn’t I leave
Why did I stay after that?
I still ask myself that every day.
Oh how sorry he was, held me as I cried and begged for me to forgive him.
I felt so sorry for him.
I was trapped in an abusive relationship, blinded by love.
He soon mentioned trying for a baby again.
In no time at all I was pregnant again.
Life went back to normal, him being nice and me being led into a false sense of security.
But as with all abusers it never lasts, I was getting ready to take the dog for a walk when he asked me to go and get him something from the kitchen, I had the dog on the lead and was heading out the door, so I told him NO as I was going out.
I landed with a thumb at the bottom of the concrete garden steps.
Screaming at me, I was fat and ugly and useless and he hated me.
I was in so much pain
He must have become worried as he agreed to phone an ambulance, but threatened that if I told anyone he had done this to me, he would kill me.
I believed him
Once at hospital the 3 bruised ribs were the cause of the dog pulling me down the steps and me losing my balance that day.
I lost the baby too, I was already bleeding heavily by the time the ambulance came.
And yes I went back to him.
I became an abused women and he would lash out, kick me or slap me as and when he pleased.
Why didn’t I leave?
Because I loved him, I thought I could change him.
He controlled me, down to me being afraid to use much toilet paper when I went to the loo. I always used “far too much” so was rationed.
As you can guess I was emotionally mixed up, I had lost 2 baby’s and I craved one, so when I became a pregnant again, this time I didn’t tell him, I told a friend instead.
I finally found the courage to leave him. For my baby’s sake.
He did follow me, harass me, threaten me and then plead with me to go back to him, so we could all be a happy family.
This time I didn’t.
Well not for 3 months
He slowly got me to go and visit him and within time I was spending more and more time with him.
He never raised his hand to me again during this pregnancy.
We had our little girl and he was a doting dad.
I really thought he had changed
Our baby was 6 weeks old when I saw that anger return, I didn’t want to have sex with him, I was still very sore from giving birth.
I cried the while time, my wrist was broken as a result of that night.
It was a few days later when I was out with my baby in town doing a few shopping errands when an old friend stopped to say hello.
As he grabbed me to hug me and held my arms at length to comment how well I looked, I flinched.
He knew. He demanded to know what the hell was wrong.
Why did I start shaking and look white a ghost.
I broke down in the street and confessed all.
I returned home and said nothing, yet got the shock of my life when that very same friend knocked on my door the following day.
I didn’t have time to speak, he punched my abuser square in the face and I left that day.
Ironically my friend who saved me has been my husband for 6 years now and we have 3 children together.
Why didn’t I leave sooner?
I wish I had the answers
I still torment myself as if I had left, then maybe I could have saved one of the babies I lost.
If anyone reading this blog post is in an abusive relationship, ladies please get out. If speaking out about my own pain saves one lady, then what I went through was worth it.
This is an anonymous blog post. You can share your own experience to help others. All blog posts submitted via the blog anonymously email form will be added to the blog anonymously for you, just like this blog post has been.
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