The voices told me to hurt my children; I have no idea why those voices or thoughts came. I have never smacked my children and am very against physical punishment.
Hearing voices that were so against my morals was terrifying, would I do as these voices told me?
I didn’t want to hurt my children, and I even contemplated suicide, anything to ensure my kids were safe, away from me.
I screamed at my psychiatrist that he needed to Section me, lock me away so my kids would be safe, he told me they were safe, I wasn’t going to hurt them, he was adamant of that.
I didn’t always believe him as the voices were so real
Have you any idea how it feels to hear evil voices screaming at you to hurt your children?
I think it is what is known as ‘obsessive neurosis’ which is terrifying thoughts of harming/killing the things I love, in my case my children.
It is a disorder characterised by the persistent and repetitive intrusion of unwanted thoughts, urges, or actions that the person is unable to prevent.
The compulsive thoughts may consist of single words, ideas or ruminations often perceived by the sufferer as nonsensical; the repetitive urges or actions vary from simple movements to complex rituals; anxiety or distress is the underlying emotion or drive state, and the ritualistic behaviour is a learned method of reducing the stress.
And that was just it not only did I heard voices but I also had bad thoughts.
I feel somewhat guilty even writing this post, but I need to share my experiences because I know this is a topic that many mothers’ suffers from yet are too afraid to speak out.
If you have thoughts to hurt your children, please talk to someone. I promise you that they will not just come in and take your kids away from you.
These thoughts have haunted me for years, and I still dislike being alone with my kids.
I am afraid they will come back.
I fear I will lose control and hurt my children
I was also scared of losing my kids that I didn’t tell anyone for a long time, in the end, it was killing them or kill myself.
My psychiatrist didn’t look scared, and he didn’t want to involve social services, what he wanted was for me to research and learn about these voices and thoughts and accept the fact I had them.
I would have to learn to live with them as years later I still have voices, thoughts, and delusions.
I will never forget that initial fear that I would hurt my children, something like that is never forgotten.
I am not a bad parent, I am a parent with a mental illness and bad parenting and mental illness does not go hand in hand.
I try extra hard to be a good parent, I know my weaknesses, and I build on them.
You are not alone; please seek help.