This is an anonymous blog post
It started when I met my ex, father of my boys, I was 17. I didn’t know but I had an addictive personality. He was violent and loved his drink.
He introduced me to drink and drugs, cocaine, crack, heroin, the drugs made me feel shit and paranoid. I liked the drink, it made the stress and the anxiety of what was going on in my life go away.
I couldn’t change anything in my life, well I thought I couldn’t. I had 3 children.
My life was taking my children to school, coming home, drinking a bottle of wine and then sleep then pick the kids up, sort them out, dinner, bath, bed etc then few more bottles of wine then bed.
This was my routine with beatings in between.
I tried to commit suicide a number of times.
My addictive personality didn’t help
I knew my drinking was a problem when I started to panic about not having the money for drink.
I stole drink; I got into debt for drink.
I was doing no harm or so I thought, my children did not go without love or money.
I was the local mum, always had the kids from my block of flats round for dinner or round to play with my boys and they looked out for my boys too.
I am caring and kind-hearted and would do anything for anyone.
I hid my drinking.
I thought this was my life now.
Things changed when I was offered a house, it was located in the roughest part of my estate. I had to take it.
It had proper windows with big strong doors that has double locking, not wooden doors like my flat had which could be just kicked in if I tried to lock my violent partner out or tried to split up with him.
I was finally free after six years of domestic violence.
I didn’t need to drink anymore.
But it wasn’t that easy
I wasn’t totally free from him but that’s another story.
I stopped drinking during the day and changed from wine to a few beers in the evening.
The addictive personality was an excuse I suppose
Life was good, we had routine, did not drink during the day so why could I not cut out the drinking in the evening.
My abuser was gone, I felt alone, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had lost myself.
I was lost.
It scared me, I tried to hide the drinking, people could see I had a problem, I could see I had a problem but what harm was i doing?
I needed to forget and the drink helped. I would panic and break out in a sweat if I knew I wasn’t going to have a drink that night.
Then the local scum started taking advantage of my kind nature, always knocking on my door asking for a few beers, i don’t know how but they managed to start taking over my life.
They made me feel like I was someone, my friends; I would do anything for anyone.
They would spike my drinks, get me drunk.
I was drinking during the day again
They stole from me, threatened me, burgled me, and took everything including my soul. The drink turned me into a person I wasn’t.
And the violent ex was back on the scene.
I had a nervous breakdown.
The drink helped.
Then one day I just snapped.
Got away from it with the help of a woman’s aid refuge.
I’m settled now, keep myself to myself.
I stopped drinking when I moved into the refuge and I was fine, no withdrawals, cravings etc.
I did start drinking again a few years back after an abortion which I still regret.
I don’t drink every night or during the day, just the odd night here and there, to forget, I’ve never had proper support.
I also have severe social anxiety
I wish I wasn’t this person
I am weak
I have my children who I love to the moon and back. They keep me strong and it’s because of them I’m still here.
And I also know I have to be careful because of my addictive personality.
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