This is an anonymous blog post
I am one of four children, I have a younger sister and two older brothers and my brothers were and still are abusive siblings. It began early in my childhood, there was four years between one and six years between the other and they were always a lot bigger and stronger than me, I never stood a chance.
It was little things to begin with like pulling my hair, pushing me out the way and kicking the football at me deliberately, but I was always covered in bruises. My mother always told me to stop telling tails on them. But the things they did to me hurt, not just physically but emotionally, I was afraid of them, terrified of my own big brothers. Siblings are meant to look out for one another, but my brothers bullied and tormented me and made my childhood a living nightmare.
My abusive siblings ruined my childhood
If they had friends over to play or we were outside playing then the abuse took a sinister approach because my mother couldn’t see what they were doing then. They would even get their friends to punch or hit me, thinking it was a great game. They both made me feel worthless as if I wasn’t important. I was the black sheep of the family. My mother was struggling to raise us four children alone and much of her time was taken up with the baby of the family, my little sister.
I was often sent out to play with my older brothers. I know they hated me hanging around with them, but I was only a little girl. They throw stones at me, pushed me off the swings at the park, swore at me, spat at me, slapped, kicked and punched me. I only had to look or speak to them the wrong way and they would attack me. I was their personal punching bag.
They knew what they were doing was wrong
It wasn’t just sibling rivalry, this was sibling abuse. I was emotionally abused as well as physically. I suffered from very low self-esteem and I didn’t have any friends at school, I didn’t know how to form relationships and worried everyone else would hate me too and I began wetting the bed at the age of ten due to the trauma, of course when my brothers found out they just laughed at me.
Of course nobody really understood what was happening to me, my mother would tell my brothers off, shout at them when she did see them hit me, but it never stopped the abuse. She just put it down to kids being kids. How could she not have seen the damage those two did to me? I often thought of killing myself and I cried myself to sleep at night. I have a daughter and son but I swear never will they ever fight or be mean to one another, never, they are raised to respect and take care of each other just as my brothers should have respected and taken care of me.
I don’t think it’s any shock that at the age of sixteen I moved out of my childhood home and moved into a hostel, I just couldn’t take anymore, by this time the punches and kicks were becoming more dangerous as they were grown men at this time, but one still lives at home. I became involved with an older man who turned out to be abusive, I guess I expected violence from men and just accepted it.
I have been left with emotional scars
I finally left the abusive relationship soon after our second child was born, but I do blame my abusive siblings for making me feel I didn’t deserve any better and for believing I deserved to be treated so badly. I moved away from the area I had grown up and I finally began to rebuild my life. I feel sick when I have to go back to the house where I grew up, I don’t visit my mother and younger sister much as it triggers so many bad memories for me. My two brothers also still live in that area too.
I try to avoid them at all costs but if I do see them, it’s never a warm welcome, they just expect me to borrow them money, cook and clean while I visit and they throw names and put downs at me. They always comment on my weight and my looks.
Sibling abuse effects long term trust issues. I still struggle to make friends and suffer from anxiety, mainly around men. I am afraid of meeting and dating another man. My brothers still emotionally abuse me even though we are all adults. Sibling abuse in adulthood makes me feel ashamed of myself, why can’t I stand up to them? I have my own children yet still take abuse from my brothers. It’s mainly just name calling and put downs now but still these words still hurt me.
I lost my childhood to abusive siblings and I will never forgive them for what they have done to me. But my own children’s childhood will be filled with love and happy memories that is for sure.
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