A Letter To My Bullies,
Perhaps you have forgotten. Maybe you didn’t know what you were doing to me was so wrong.
But I remember. I remember all too well.
I doubt you even cared because it made you popular. All my friends wanted to be your friend, not mine, just so you wouldn’t bully them too.
Did you know I was terrified to come to school? Would try everything to stay off for the day.
You emotionally tormented me, damaged me beyond repair.
I am a former shadow of who I used to be because of people like you, people like you who believed they could abuse me and treat me like dirt.
Why did you say and do those things to me?
What did I ever do to you?
I didn’t have the latest Nike trainers or the trendy clothes, you all had those, you could not have been jealous of me.
You see I was also dealing with crap behind closed doors.
Just when I thought the school was a respite from the things going on at home, you took that away from me too.
Did you laugh the day the teacher pulled you to aside and informed you I was in severely ill in hospital, after trying to take my own life?
I didn’t take a few tablets, it wasn’t a cry for help, I was 14 and I wanted to die.
I wanted to die because you made me feel that life was not worth living.
It didn’t stop, ever, because even when you took a step back, the fear was always there.
I was 14 and suffering from extreme anxiety, afraid of my own shadow.
While you were out having fun with friends or sat in your bedroom doing your homework, I was digging some sharp object into my arm, self-harming is what they call it.
I self-harmed because I could no longer cope with my feelings.
You had screwed me up that much inside
Feelings of anger and frustration, because I could do nothing to stop what was happening to me.
Confusion rattled my brain, what had I done wrong?
I decided that I must be ugly and worthless as you told me I was. So I stopped eating, maybe if I had a nice body, then you would like me, want to be my friend.
I always wanted you to like me, how ironic is that?
I wanted to be just like my bullies
I was never to be accepted was I?
Twenty years later I still do that, I still starve myself, why?
Because you taught me all those many years ago, that food was the only thing in my life that I could control.
My 17-year-old daughter asked me when my eating disorder began the other day, I told her “because girls at school were mean to me”.
But you were not mean, you were evil and cruel.
I still do not feel accepted in life, I have no confidence and I have zero self-esteem.
Bullying doesn’t just happen in school and then once you leave it’s all forgotten. It’s something you remember for the rest of your life.
I left school feeling like nobody would ever want me, so when a man did, I was so happy. He was an abuser too, he tormented me just like you did.
He called me ugly, fat, useless and told me I was worthless and I believed him.
I believed when he beat me and tormented me that I deserved it.
I was used to being called names, I had heard them all before
I stayed with him for 11 years because that’s what I was worth. I did leave him, but not because I grew confidence, because Social Services gave me a choice, him or my children. There was no choice to make. I took my children and escaped.
I am now 36. A mother to 6 beautiful children and sadly have another failed marriage under my belt, I never felt worthy of love.
I am also bipolar and have extreme anxiety issues and I am trying to battle an eating disorder.
You can’t let bullies beat you – that’s something I have learned in life.
Bullies are not kind people, they don’t have real friends, and people pretend to like them because they fear them.
They are cowards who thrive from control, they like to feel power over their victims.
I am not a victim these days. I have survived more in my life than you could ever dream possible.
I forgive you because you have taught me how not to be, I have learned the importance of treating others with respect and kindness.
I am guessing you had your own issues going on and you used me as a scapegoat, making me feel misery somehow helped you and I am pleased I was able to help you. Because that’s all I know, how to help others because I know how it feels to feel alone.
You stole so much from me, yet you gave me so much too
My own children will never be bullies, I would be the first to step in and tell them what abusers really are. They know how very wrong it is to make someone feel inferior to them.
They have to watch their own mother torment herself day in, day out because of what bullies have done to her.
And I hope by the time your own children grow up, they never have to go through what I did, because to watch your child’s heart breaking right in front of you, must be soul destroying.
It’s just a shame I didn’t have anyone who cared when I needed them too because then perhaps my life would have been so different.
You see you shaped me into the person I am today. I now campaign to stop bullying.